Step into 2014

Dearest...

Nine days left. Only nine days left before the curtains to 2013 come to a close.

What a year.

Earlier this evening I spoke with an old friend. A casual conversation, recapping life, plans and all the events of this past year. She had had one hectic year with many... let's just say mountains to climb in difficult weather conditions (that's the best way I can put it without using too many negative words. In fact, a year that was probably like climbing the mountain at night with thunder, rain and strong wind... yup! More than just a challenge!).

Don't frown. She was strong enough to take on all the challenges, I was happy to hear things have settled and God is rewarding her for all the patients, lack of will to seek revenge and for her pure heart.

After saying goodbye, I looked back at the lives of many close people around me. Those who I have had the privilege of being part of. Many people have gone through a difficult phase-- everything from work related to personal matters to dreams being shattered. Yet somehow, everyone manages to make it through. With time, everything heals and life goes back to what we know to be normal. It all becomes memories.

Every grey cloud passes by first, then it pours down with rain, then the sunshines, and the rainbow appears (or does the rainbow appear before the sunshine part?! Any howww, you get the point), and that, my friend, is the cycle of life. But the size of clouds and the amount of rain differs for different people in different stages of their lives.

Whoever you maybe reading this, wherever you are in the world. Hang on to life tightly, take the right path and you will be rewarded. Believe, dream, achieve. Be a good person. If you ask for my humble advice, I would say:

-  Help others, be there for the people around you, but don't expect a return.

- Make others smile, but don't do it because you have to, do it from your heart. I have realized as a human being there is another need beyond food, shelter and water. It is the need to give to others. If you haven't tried this, this year give it ago, the amount of satisfaction you get can not be compared to anything in the world.

- Dream. Every person, deep down inside has a dream. Please don't tell me you don't, everyone does. Don't be afraid to go to sleep each night imagining that dream becoming a reality. Think of how it will be when it comes true. Think of the little details from how you will feel right then and there to what you will be wearing, where you will be, and who you will share it with.

- Don't gossip. This is the 'dirties thing' a human being can do. To talk behind other people badly is the most disgusting behavior anyone can have. We all do it sometimes without realizing, but make it a habit to avoid this as much as possible. Speak good of others, or don't speak about them at all. You will feel so much better!

- Have a someone. Someone can be a friend, a lover, a group of friends, a mother, a grandparent, a father, a sister, a brother, a neighbor, even a pet. We all need a someone, not sometimes, but every time. Often it takes us decades to find that someone, often that someone is right there but we never gave them enough attention to notice them or appreciate them. And once you have that someone (or some people) show them every time how much you love, appreciate their presence in your life.

- Don't compete. Don't compare yourself to others, or compete with others. Many people would disagree with me on this point, that's fine. But I just believe it's best if we competed with ourselves.

- Belief is key. I happen to be a Muslim, probably not the best practicing Muslim (I am working at it) but someone who believes, someone who prays and looks up to something above, greater than all else. At my weakest times, this has been my source of strength. Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying you, my dearest, should convert. But it always helps to believe in something, that way we don't feel lost in this life. When you believe, all of a sudden there's a purpose in your life.

I can go on, but for now keep these little things in mind as you step foot into 2014,

With love
Saza - Every person can be a better person.

24 and some days

Dearest

So, I wrote a long blog, thought it published, but thanks to the ridiculous internet line I suffer from, there was nothing of it left. It wasn't even saved! Maybe my fault, maybe the internet, but I can swear I pressed the 'Publish' button.

Anyhow, I spoke a lot about how it felt being 24, and how great the birthday surprises were! How thankful I am to have such great family, friends and loved ones in my life etc. I said a lot. Maybe you're lucky it got deleted because it was one long post.

Meanwhile do drop by at mandalawi.blogspot.com going to blog some interesting things in the days and months to come. I promise!

Good night for now
Saza - Feeling in a very new-year kind of mood

24 going on 25!

Dearest,

Wow. 24 years of my life are gone! It's that evening of every year where I sit down and look back at my achievements, failure, the laughter and tears and all the mountains I climbed and seas I sailed. Tonight is no different. Looking back, 23 with all it's moments was a part of my life that won't be forgotten.

At the age of 23 I went to the Pyramids of Cairo and saw the beautiful African sunset, I took part in two key and very successful conferences, and of course began what could have been a dream career pathway.

At 23, I became the Director of Marketing, Media and Public Relations at the University. It's about a year now I am there, though the ride was bumpy towards the end; and that, my dearest reader, is because after 23 years I realized what it is that I want to do (maybe not for the rest of my life, but at least for the next few years). Hence, with the new year, and as an opening to 24 of existence on this planet I will be trying something new and hopefully exciting (typical me!). I learned more about myself in this job then many other jobs I have done previously.

This was one of the most intense, most rewarding and most enjoyable work experiences I have had.

At 23, I met a new friend who has come into my life, coincidentally she's an artist, on various occasions I would make my way to her place and watch her paint on a large canvas, I learned from her a lot of things, not just about paintings and artists, but about life and people.

At 23, I knew very well who are my friends for life (A.S., A.R., B.R., N.Q., S.I., B.K.,) With them, and with their encouragement and support we undertook various volunteering initiatives, and together we thought of our dream project  (which needs a few million dollars of funding), we even wrote some of the ideas down for someday in the future...

At 23, I was introduced to Edward de Bono's thinking, in which I later became a trainer. I had the privilege of training students, and groups of individuals from the Erbil International Airport Security. Aside from this, with the current situation taking place, I managed to make amazing new friends at the Domiz Refugee Camp, my experiences there this year has been the highlight of my 23!

I am who I am today because of the great individuals who surround me, because of a family who I would sacrifice my life for at any moment if needed. While I remain a little girl at heart, I admit I have learned a lot and have taken every stumble and tumble as a lesson not to be repeated. I have grasped at every opportunity that has knocked at my door (some I had to run after!) and few others I had to let go of, because with 23,  I matured more and Saza found herself thinking more.

At 23, I learned one of the hardest things in life for any individual is to make the right decisions.  This can take us to another few paragraphs which I am sure you won't be interested in reading, so I won't explain why.

Finally, with all my flaws I love who I am today. I welcome 24 with open arms, a year older, and hopefully I am wiser to confront the challenges that 24 has for me. As much as I grow, the child in me will stay, and I will still be the petite girl who loves to dream of a great world!







[This entry was written on December 5, 8:38 PM but I will schedule the publication for a later date]

Hello December!

Dearest,

December 1st. Couldn't let this day pass without writing something. Anything! You would have probably guessed by now I love December. The idea of a year ending and another beginning makes me think a lot of positive thoughts. It's a chance to recap on the entire year, you look at pictures and realize how many great things have taken place during the year. Of course, you think of the 'down' moments too. 

Then there's the New Year, the new goals set, the new aims, ambitions and hopes for a new year. 

In my part of the world all is well. Few minor, but big changes taking place with me. Will update you later. Meanwhile, my dearest reader (there were two of you, I know one has disappeared, not sure about the other Loyal Reader), I hope you can recap on this year and see that you have had a good year. I hope you can look forward for 2014 full of hope, optimism and energy for the new year! 

Have a great December! I promise this won't be the last post for 2013

Saz - Season's Greetings!

Halloween

Dearest,

I think I fooled you by the tile of this post, while kids in different corners of the world (including my own Kurdistan) are doing trick or treating, I, also feel it's Halloween tonight,

I think I have been in and out of bed about three times till now. I go in, I toss and turn, can't sleep so I wake up again. Thinking of some of the issues at the orphanage. I miss the kids so much. TOO much. In particular some of the girls I got used to seeing some of them for so many years. Sadly, our visits now are restricted in many ways, I haven't been for about a month. That's all I will say on this matter. You join the dots.

Secondly, my research at the women's prison continues. Today I spent three hours listening to cases, typing my way for findings. I thought to myself: "What are you doing Saza, a research? These stories can be turned into a movie, a book..." True. But I think for a long time I prefer for the stories to live inside my mind and heart, you never know one day it might come out. I saw two of the women cry as they spoke to me, it hurt. Another had wounds all over her hands, I knew she had tried to hurt herself. I even told her.

All those I spoke to today were few years older or few years younger than myself. But they looked much older, not in size (because petite Saza always looks like a 15-year-old) but even in facial features. Their gray hairs, their wrinkles, the tired expressions on their faces.

I bought some handmade jewelry from one of the women. I will write about it in the next few days on mandalawi.blogspot.com

For the first time, today I admit life is unfair for some people, but I can only hope and pray the rest of their life, and their next life, can be a little bit more fair.

Meanwhile, I sleep in a comfy bed, while there are young women in the deepest of problems, and even worse, nothing is in their hands to solve. Having a problem is one thing, but feeling like your hands, and feet are chained and your mouth is sealed... that just gives the word 'Problem' an entirely new meaning.

Good night
Saza - 

Updates

Dearest,

It has been such a long time! Since my last post I went to the One Young World Summit in South Africa, and changed jobs (but I didn't like the new job, felt like it is killing me and taking too much of my time. Had no social life or for that matter, had no life at all. Hence, today I am celebrating my liberation from that). I have come to realize there is no job in the world that is perfect, however, I have also learned what it is that I can do and what it is that I can't stand doing. The positive side from that experience was that I learned more about myself, I tried something new (doesn't always have to be good) and realized I am surrounded by the best people in the world who washed me with love and support.

I would complain via voice notes to a friend, then I would go to work and find flowers, chocolate and kulicha on my desk from that same friend. I would complain to another friend on a Thursday afternoon (you know us girls, we sometimes love to complain and we can't keep our mouths closed) Sunday morning I find colorful cupcakes, I complain to my family and SK and I kept hearing the greatest words. As for my boss, he made me watch a TED talk and listen to a song along the lines of "But I will survive." I did bola booolllll (complaining) to A.R., A.S., and B.A. ended up having a gathering with them which made me faint on the floor with laughter. My amazing colleagues who have an office down the corridor were SUPERB sources of support and encouragement.Wow, looking back now it wasn't that bad!

Two lessons learned from the worse job experience in my life (which lasted about 3 weeks)
1. If you are miserable at your job, then you're miserable in your personal life. Because once you come back home all worn out (in my case work at home too) you can't smile to your family, you can't have a decent conversation with your other half, you can't even be in the mood to laugh.
2. Be true to yourself. At any point you don't like what you're doing, or you are not doing it well then you are wasting your time, because there is something that you're good at, so you have to find that and do it. NOW.
3. Good friends and people's support is the medicine to life!

(Yes, I realize they were three, not two, points!)

I promise I won't disappear like this again, I don't think any of you noticed anyway! Or did you?

Lots of love
Saza

My precious city...

Dearest...

 I don't know what to say or where to start from. I won't talk you through everything that happened today, but you can just go and read my tweets... then, you might understand.

Today, this precious city that I live in got wounded. Four explosions, 6 killed, 62 injured. I saw the smoke from the office window...

Sad that this has to happen. I feel like I owe those six police men my life. I feel guilty that I am alive and they're dead. Salute! Salute! Salute!

The place where the incident took place is my route to and from work every single day. Every morning and afternoon. Could have been me. Could have been any of my relatives, family and friends.

I hope this united us and makes us stronger. I know it will. It must.


Good night
Saza - I love Erbil too much, I can't see it like this.

The journey... continues

Dearest,

Love your job. 

That's it. I am leaving the fancy office, the whole "Director" title and everything else that goes with it.

Saza will be teaching. While I am a little nervous about the experience SK and some of my close friends have been very supportive. Of course, there are the individuals who think I am out of mind for leaving behind a job that not many people my age can have. Still. I have done what makes me happy. For now.

Yay!! That means I can finally wear some flat shoes, jeans and I can say bye-bye to my row of formal black blazers, who happily said "Good Morning" to me for the past ten months.

Don't get me wrong. Until about 8 weeks ago I was definitely in a dream job, starting a career and loving every step. However, I am a strong believer that things happen in our life for a reason, and we always change. It reached a point where I wanted something more than just a 9 to 5 (correction, 8:30 to 4:30) job. I can go on and explain my reasons forever, but don't worry I won't. 

Love

Saza - wish me luck! It is going to be a very interesting experience. By the way, working on the 2nd Edition of  the book My Nest in Kurdistan with some parts that have never been read before. 

Mayada

Dearest,

Mayada 

Today I spoke to Mayada on the phone. She is the Iraqi woman that Jean Sasson wrote about, in her
book "Mayada." For someone who reads a book, bonds closely with it, and then somehow, someday her wish comes true and she meets the character in real life... sometimes you get disappointed and at other times you are happy.

Previously, I was in contact with Jouana (Love in a Torn Land) and our phone conversation was long, in depth and I must admit she was everything that was built and created in my mind. Today, Mayada, when I heard her voice on the phone (this is after email exchanges) my heart sank. Why didn't I say Ms. Mayada? How about Auntie Mayada? She sounded a little older on the phone. And here I am, casually referring to her by her first name, as if we were lifetime friends.

It was one of those moments I will cherish for a long time. And you know what? She is going to send me a signed copy of her book....

Before I say goodnight

Dearest,

Just wanted to come by and say alhamdulilah* for everything in my life.

The highlight of my day? SK and I went to a few places, I won't give details. But once I got back home it really hit me the difference between wealth and poverty; the high and low class. I have always taken note, and I hope I have never ignored the fact that even my own society is unfair--and probably my own living standards--but today I saw two worlds right after the other. Yet so different from one another.

I just wish I don't become the sort of person who can live only in one world and forget the other. We don't count or realize out blessings until we see the lives of others. You know what's weird? We call people that are not well off financially 'less fortunate' but I have truly come to believe that they are not less fortunate. The real 'less fortunate' people are those who are well off and decide not to look at those under them or those behind them.


Lots of love
Saza - I miss two things: 1. Pura Gulizard at the elderly people's home and Mam Khalil and his teashop.

p.s. Today marked three months since I said "I do."


*The International word (Islamic word I guess) for thanking God, Allah.

Quick update

So...

Dearest,

I am work at the moment (on lunch break)  - earlier this week I wrote a blog entry on how few of my friend and people I know could help the individuals in the Domiz refugee camp. I am so happy with the response. I got a few emails that really made me happy. Including two people who said they are willing to sponsor an entire at the camp every month.

Here is an email I received this morning:


Dear Sazan, 

As per you blog, I would like to help if I can.  I would like to donate a few more items to whomever you would see fit that I have.  

But more importantly I would like to make a regular monthly payment of $###,## to an individual, or family to assist in supporting, and resettling them.  Either one of the cases you have already mentioned, or another that you identify as being in need. 

Please let me know hoe this can be facilitated.

You are an inspiration to us all, and it is the least I can do to help

Best wishes

***** ***

A few other people are doing little fundraisers. So happy and proud.

Meanwhile, next stop will be South Africa for a summit. Will keep you posted what happens there. I am not sure how it is going to be, but I am representing Kurdish youth, I would like to think I can fairly represent Kurds. I just wish these meetings and summits was not just empty talks but action follows, because there are thousands of meetings and discussions that take place but rarely do we see people going out there and doing something.

Much love

Saza - 

Updates

Dearest..

It has been a while.

No. It is not that I had nothing to write or I was busy, in fact yes I was busy, but that is not the reason why I haven't written. There is so much going on. Day by day this wold disappoints me more and more and here I am with some amazing people doing my best to fix or help in fixing the little cracks I see. At least it makes me feel better.

What shall I write to you about?
Shall I tell you about the kids at the orphanage? Or shall I share with you the stories of the youth at the refugee camp? Shall I speak of the girls who wish to go back to their studies but are spending their days in a tiny tent with six other people? Shall I speak of the conditions of disabled people or the neglect of the old and sick?

My mind goes a million places every second. Sometimes I ask myself how it is that I can still smile and enjoy my days while taking in the suffering of all these people who I see in my daily life.

We spent some days at the refugee camp. One day, we left the camp to go to Duhok. I had taken in all that had happened in the previous days and stayed very strong. The second the doors to the car closed, and it was only the driver and my two colleagues (also trainers) I could no longer hold it in, all the way to Duhok I just cried. Like a baby I cried, because I couldn't fool myself, Saza could not change what she wanted to change. This time Saza could not.

On a daily bases I kept a diary in the camp, I will type them out and post them on the blog.

For now shawshad
Saza - I can't change the world. I know I can't. But at least I can try. 

Brain hurts after watching movie

Dearest...

Went to the movies this evening with S.K. and D.K. First of all I was told the genre of the movie was comedy (or rather romantic comedy), secondly, I was refused to be sat next to because I get too attached to the film -- cry when it's sad, laugh out loud when funny and scream (yes scream) when it becomes a little bit scary. 

Now.. the movie was not at all Comedy, I was definitely fooled on that one, and now I know why those in my company refused to sit next to me because usually at such a movie I would scream for half of it and cover my eyes for the half. 

I managed to control my heart, eyes, mouth, and every part of my body with my mind. I didn't scream. Not even once, and I hope that I didn't embarrass S.K. or D.K. All this aside, I think tonight made me feel so much stronger when it came to fear and strength. For someone who almost never watches movies (and when I did it was something like Legally Blonde or Princess Diaries) tonight was a very interesting turn. Having said this, I can't emphasize the need of people to watch healthy movies. Movies that you walk out of the cinema (or put the DVD off) and you have learned something useful, you have taken something away from it. Something positive. Of all the gun battles, deaths, and cars on fire, and mouths bleeding all I have with me now is.... a night of nightmares.

I am sure you're dying to know the name of the movie, but it shall remain anonymous simply because you will think I am out of my mind to make a big deal of a movie that... (let me quote S.K. here) "is made for 12 year-olds."

Good night

Saza - super tired. Let's hope it's sweet dreams for me

Looking for a mum

Aya

Dearest...

Today was one of those days where you are exceptionally happy and exceptionally sad at the same time. Does that even make sense? Yes? No? Well, let me explain.

We (the usual B.A., A.S., A.R.) were invited by the older girls in Mali Xanda to have iftar* with them. B.A. called me and of course I leave all our guests at home -- just to be kind,  I took one of the cousins -- and off I went. As soon as I walked in I saw the big pot of dolma!!!! Yes, you read right, DOLMA. And what happens when Saza sees dolma? She owns the world!

We enjoyed our iftar, spoke a bit, joked a little, washed the dishes.. and then Aya came. It upset me how everyone told her off, "Go away... leave the plates... You will break it all... You *&^$#... The crazy Aya came." I decided that Aya was going to help A.R. and myself in washing the dishes and what a great job she did at that.

Later she played with my phone, soon she insisted I model for her so she can pictures of me and within minutes later Aya ran inside the house, I followed fearing she will be up to mischief, but there she was sitting alone, quietly in the room watching her favorite TV shows. I asked her to join us in the other house, during the break she did. Not long later, I found Aya'd head placed on my thighs as she watched her TV show.

Tears filled my eyes as I played with her newly cut hair, as I observed all her wounds and bruises. It stings my heart to know that only because she has ADHD this beautiful little girl MIGHT be sent to what we have come to believe is a mental institute in Baghdad. The condition thus far is we find Aya a family who are willing to adopt her or take her into foster care.

Our search has started, sometimes we feel lucky, other times we feel... not so lucky!

As for me, when we left Mali Xanda Aya pleaded I take her on a little ride in my car in the parking. Of course the other kids followed and we did just that. She took a very special little Quraan in my car, kissed it and said she wants to keep it. I let her keep it.

What she doesn't know is I have written a few lines on the first page of that Quraan. Never did I know one day Aya will take it....

Aya needs a Daya^ and here I am trying to make this happen. I often ask myself whether I can be Aya's Daya... but I know she needs a lot of care, at the moment with an 8 to 5 job I will not be of much help to her. I am just questioning myself, if we reach the deadline and we haven't found anyone... will I have no other option but to open my own doors to Aya? What will the family think? What is going to be S.K.'s reaction? Will it be fair I bring in someone who needs a lot of attention  and I am sure I won't be able to give it to her at this point in my life?

Lots and lots of questions. I am unsure of many answers, but one thing I am sure of is that Aya can not and will not step foot into Baghdad.

Love
Saza - A little frustrated, but I must admit I had the best iftar this Ramadan.


* Dinner to break the fasting during the month of Ramadan
^ The greatest Kurdish word - mother

Next...

Dear... (aaaah, that fulfilling feeling of writing to no one),

Traveling is my weakness. Whether it is to a village half an hour away, to another city or to a different continent. The idea of traveling a certain distance to experience a different culture, environment, people and a society that I am not familiar with is the best thing that could happen to me.

It has been a while since I travelled, the last time I can think of was my Egypt trip. No, correction, in fact I travelled to Duhok and stayed at the Domiz Refugee Camp less than eight weeks ago. I never knew I was so adventurous, but it looks like I need it. My mind and my heart need it. Could I be addicted?

I enjoy the feeling of learning something knew, discovering a culture. By traveling I don't mean going to some fancy Five Star hotel to sit down by the pool all day. No, I mean going to local markets, visiting museums, local sights, mixing with the people, learning the language, making friends, exchanging views and beliefs... that's the travel that I need. The travel that I want. The one I enjoy.

Saza - Late at night (2:03 am) trying to cook up an idea for another journey. 

With love

Dearest...

A little girl was a tough situation and we needed to find her a home. A.S., B.A, and I decided we had to do something, we did, and it looks like we might have just found her a home; although it's oceans far. I have a feeling the days to come are going to be tough- so much paper work we need to do for this little girl, but with A.S, B.A. and S.K., things always become much easier.

My regular visits to the orphanage have increased. I am infuriated. I am disappointed. Those kids are always in my mind. For God sakes they won't even let us adopt them. After we solve the problem with this little girl we will push for the foster family idea to be passed in the council of Ministers in Kurdistan! I will be the first to look after some of those kids.

So much on my mind.

Saza,

A bit of good news

Dearest..

Sometimes things happen to those you love and care so much about, which makes you so happy to the extent if it happened to you, you wouldn't be that happy. Okay, I have no idea if that made any sense what so ever. 

But earlier this evening, one of my best friends (If you follow Mandalawi.blogspot you probably know NQ by now) got in touch with me, she informed of a huge job promotion she had received. Till this very second I can't stop bouncing from happiness. 

Is it because she is a great person? Is it because she has a great, kind, giving heart? Is it because she is intelligent? Or simply it is because she deserves it. 

Being a female, at such a young age to receive such a job promotion just shows how much effort, dedication and hard work NQ put into her job. However, not once did she make us feel as though her job is taking her away from us. She was always there when needed, always celebrated with us our special days and was ready whenever given a call for help... 

I feel so proud when my dearest ones take one step forward in life. In this case, it is one massive leap forward. The next step will bring on a whole heap of challenges, but I know NQ will do greater than great.

Good night 

Saza - Proud friend!

To my new family...

To the most special people I have met recently, my dearest Domizian family...

And this is how we said good bye... for now!

I MISS YOU ALL. I miss Domiz, I miss your lovely faces, I miss everything including the 60 degrees desert, sandy environment.  

Only God knows how much I miss your smiles in the morning; some of you would arrive so much earlier (Ahmad, I can't forget how you said you woke up at 6 am waiting for 9 am to come..) then there were some of you who always came in a little late, and of course you were punished and had to sing us a song... some of you told jokes while others mimicked chicken noises. When you were late, some of you apologized others laughed as you had already prepared yourself for a punishment, but inside I knew why. As soon as you came in sweating, heat evaporating from your faces, I knew your tent is far... I knew your journey to the caravan wasn't an easy one. I knew you had so many other commitments out of your control.  

I miss your ideas, your heated arguments (friendly of course). I miss the way you shared your thoughts on women, role of men, culture, and a lot of life experiences. I miss forcing you out of the caravan after the sessions, you simply didn't want to leave. I miss how some of you who said you have a heart of rock (yes, you know who you are are!) ended up reading us your poetry on the last day as we said goodbye... 

I had my eyes full of tears every time you all came to the caravan with a notebook, an old notebook with its pages so thin and crumbly... a notebook that has your words. This wasn't any notebook, this was your diary, and you each had one; some of you read your poems from it. I wondered how late at night you wrote those poems, I wondered where you were sitting in Domiz when those words came out, I wondered where you hid that diary so no one else in your tent could read it... I wondered what you will do when the pages are finished, where you will buy another one and how will you start the first line of every entry...

Don't think that you fooled me. I know very well most of you were in love. I saw you read your poems about goodbyes trying to act all manly and holding back watery eyes; girls, I heard you speak of your 'friend' who was killed, and then I saw you secretly wipe tears; I heard you begin your communication stories in the circle with "Though the person is not here physically, I still feel we are together" it hurt me a lot, but at the same time I know something great is waiting for all of you, because you are all great.

For me Domiz is no longer about a Refugee Camp with thousands of people complaining. No, Domiz is about individuals with great hearts, it is about 40 young people who are explosions of happiness, faith, optimism and life........ when the opportunity comes! 

I loved the activity where you were asked to cross the line every time the answer to the statement was a Yes; when the statement read "I am an optimistic person" all of you crossed the line. But only one of you chose to speak, and the words are still recorded in my memory "If I wasn't optimistic I wouldn't be here."

I loved watching you make new friendships, I know some of you had only just met though you will be lifetime friends. I loved our little side chit-chats together, as I learned about your lives back in Syria, about your family and all that you have endured. 

I loved how you all are hanging onto life. I loved your kindness, your warm hospitality. You touched my heart when you read out your dreams to each other, dreams of the future. Some of you dream to travel the world, others dream of finishing their education and a number of you dream of living in peace in a country called Kurdistan.

I know some of you wrote your names for the training thinking we will employ you later. I know for some of you that's the only reason why you came, but I know on the last day as I sat in that black car and waved to you from the car window as I left... you were ready and dedicated to volunteer everyday with your peers for the sake of the wellbeing of Domizian people. I just know it.

I love everything, but I also hate. Yes I hate.

I hate the fact that I am sitting in a room right now, in the capital city, under the air-conditioning, under a roof on a double size bed while you, my family, are in tents... I know I would be happier now if I were to spend my late night in one of your tents, all gathered together in one of our warm conversations... where we all leave and go to sleep full of hope and optimism because of that positive energy we pass to one another. 

I never feel lost, because usually (mostly) I know what I want, it is just a matter of how to get there, but this time I am lost because there are certain confrontations that I will face if I decide to come back to Domiz for a good few months. I have people in my life who I need to consider. My dearest family, I promised I will visit you again, here I am thinking of how I could live up to that promise.

I assure you if it were up to me I would pack my bag right now and I will leave 5 am tomorrow morning so I can be there with you to start a morning training session at 9 am sharp. I wish it was this easy, and it probably is, and you never know soon I might be joining in this journey of yours. I watched some of you grow as individuals, I discovered a lot about your personalities and like buds to roses your flourished day after day. I always imagine how my life would be if I come and settle with you all for a while. How much we would learn from one another, and how I would come to look at my life and the world in a complete different way.

Thank you...

Thank you for teaching me there is more to life than what I thought,

Thank you for reminding me what the important things are in life

Thank you for inspiring me

Thank you for being a family and welcoming me to your life at such a delicate time

Thank you for being strong. 

In my heart, in my thoughts

Me in the Domiz Refugee camp

Dearest..

Not a single day passes that I don't think of the young people I worked with in the refugee camp in Domiz. I feel uncomfortable, upset, disgusted and guilty returning back to Erbil to my normal life and... and... well, I should be back there!

I did promise I would visit again- didn't I?

When I am sitting at the office, running around the campus or doing whatever it is that my daily life requires me to do, I am constantly seeing and hearing the smiles, tears and words that took place during my stay. I watched individuals change, I read their feedbacks at the end of each day my hands shaking and my eyes full of tears as they had written how we brought back hope to their life, when in fact they did. One person stood up and said "I had had enough this last ten days, I was proper depressed, I feel reborn now." This is just one of the many examples... I want to go back, I want to keep doing training with the youth there until a solution is found to their issues.

Anyway for now good night,

Saza - . . . 

Welcome Ramadan 2013

Dearest... (if anyone is actually reading this)

Me, today's morning prayers

Work place is basically empty, but I am enjoying this to clear up paperwork, get the office tidy and clean and sparkly. The plus side is instead of leaving 4:30 or 5 pm since it's Ramadan we can leave at 1:30. HOW GREAT!! I can actually plan my afternoons!!

I may not come out as the most religious girl and I definitely don't have the in-depth information about Islam or its history. Having said this I am a firm believer in Allah, in afterlife, in the pillars of Islam etc. I love the fasting (though me being already underweight always stirs up conflict between Le Family who make a clear argument that I can't fast. Already got two calls saying if I am hungry I should just eat and God will forgive me. Daaah I am hungry!! That's the purpose. And no I will not eat.)

So, back to what I was saying. I love the spiritual feeling, the prayers, the extra reading of the Quraan the sound of the Quraan at 2:30 am this morning at our place was amazing and then iftar with family.

All this aside, but the most precious thing about Ramadan to me is that in the past few years I have been  wearing a hijab during that time. The other times during the year I do not wear a hijab, you can find me in jeans and t-shirt or a medium length skirt or a dress every now and then. However, every time I am out with the veil on my head during the holy month (today included) for some reason I feel much more confident and powerful.  

This is going to sound very cheezzzzyy, but even when I gave a final look into the mirror before I left home today I must admit I loved myself more than any other day.

For now, in this holy month I pray for peace and good health of all my loved ones, I pray for a peaceful world and I pray for every vulnerable man, woman and child to be given inner strength to be stronger than their circumstances.

Lots of love
Saza - sitting behind my computer at work with a very very very messy desk and it is dead quiet. Wow. I never imagined this place without all the faces that I am used to seeing here. I miss them all. 

Words from a refugee camp...

Dearest...

For a few days now I have been away from home, doing some work with youth in a refugee camp where Kurds from Syria are now living.

As usual, there are individuals in the training that are beyond amazing, but what hurts me is that I know deep down inside they don't think they are amazing... but they try! There is a lot I want to share with you about the 40 youth I am working with at the moment, but since I am so exhausted tonight I would rather share with you my own thoughts and emotions and leave the stories for a time where I can pass them to you in the best way I can.

When I let SK know that there might be a chance that I can go and be in a refugee camp for a while his immediate reaction was "Go!" As for me, before I even came here my heart arrived. The point is, this experience, even though it is for a short time has made me reflect on my life back in Erbil. This morning, before I began my mission for the day I wrote: "After 23 years I realized what it is that I was born to do." Yes, exactly that.

I have something in me, that no matter where I am and what I am doing I can make myself love it. But deep down inside certain things make me content without me even trying!

I must confess I see no need for me to sit in a fancy office, wearing fancy clothes doing office work when hundreds of other people can and will do that job just as well as I do and even better! There is no need for me to be there when I can do be here.

If there weren't so many people involved in my life right now I would settle here for the next 6 months or 1 year. I want to live in the camp and be there for the young girls and boys here. I know now even when I leave my heart will remain behind. I don't want to go. I honestly, genuinely don't want to leave.

I have landed in a career pathway back in Erbil that individuals can dream of. But Manager of this and Director of that and boss of this person doesn't mean anything to me.

Here I am in my comfy jeans and snickers, in a shirt and no makeup (AND no one is telling me that I look tired and unwell) working directly with people. No one telling me if I have checked my email, no one requesting signatures to buy this and buy that; No one blaming me and no one asking me things.

Somethings happen in life for a reason, and right now I am here in Domiz camp for a good reason--aside from the obvious-- after returning to Erbil, my dearest reader, I think I am going to be sitting down and re-thinking the career choice that I have taken.

Saza wants to be herself. I didn't know how much I had missed these youth training sessions. I love listening to these people speak, I love it how the time finishes and they tell me they don't want to leave, I love hearing their stories and seeing them laugh and tell one another jokes! I love seeing the future in their eyes, I love the way they can be full of hope and optimism while their surrounding gives the exact opposite sentiment.

I love it how when I am a trainer with young people I can forget everything and I don't need to do a million things at the same time, I don't need a loooong To Do list every morning. No, I have one mission that day and I only do one thing.

I feel I am going to make a decision in the week(s) to come that not everyone around me will like, but I am following my heart. I can't tell these young people do things you're passionate about when I feel I am not.

For now good night!
Long day ahead tomorrow

Saza - 

.......

Dearest...

Today I was reading Khaled Hosseini's book, A Thousand Splendid Suns, I reached the point where Laila takes her daughter to the orphanage, not because she doesn't love her, but because she can no longer afford to feed her (and because of heartless what so called husband). I reached that page and immediately put the book down, got changed and went to a place in Erbil that houses many neglected children (I won't say an orphanage, because most of the kids there do have a living mother or father).

Half an hour after my visit I found myself sitting down surrounded by beautiful girls, some on the floor others on the sofa. Before I knew it, it became dark-- past their dinner time and almost my bed time-- while I wish I can share with you what took place this evening, I prefer to keep the stories to myself. Although, they were deep enough for me to walk at night alongside SK and speak non-stop.

Tonight,  I can't seem to sleep because.... I don't know because of what, but I know I take many things in my life for granted, I need to thank Allah more often and I must, under all circumstances, believe that if I can't change anything at least I know there is one thing I can give. And that is love...


Lots of Love
Saza - qurbant bm Daya gyan for everything that you have done for me. 

Need a walk under the rain

Dearest Reader wherever you are, whoever you are

One of those calm evenings where I am not watching the news and not spending time with guests downstairs. Lights off, my lamp on, notebook and pen nearby and yet to do the 'isha prayers. Lots of thoughts and ideas in my head, but tonight I decide to shut it all off and read before I fall asleep.


Lots of Love and shawbash!
Saza - As you can tell summer is not my season, I miss my rainy Nottingham days!

Men with Stars

Helloooo Ellloooo...

My dearest, sweetest reader...

Before I have a quick shower and make my way to bed (did I mention it's 8:28 pm? No I didn't. And I probably shouldn't but yup like a chicken I sleep before the clock strikes 9) I have decided to recap my day for you.

I was a little anxious last night as I was preparing an Edward De Bono training for the security staff of our International Airport. These are police and individuals with a military background: Twice my size, some almost three times my age. Even though I enjoy training A LOT, before any training there are always cells in my brain sending signals of nervousness to the rest of my body (I'm not sure if that made any sense to you, but I hope you get my point: I always thought no matter how confident you are about the content of your training, a lot is determined by your trainees). Any howwwww

We turn up in the morning (with the amazing S.B., L.G., and S.R.) and one by one the participants of our training for the rest of the week come in through the door; Men in green uniform, men in blue uniform, men with green uniform and stars on their shoulders and then men in blue uniforms, also with stars on their shoulders. Finally two women walk in. One of them also had a few stars on her shoulders. She looked amazing and very confident.

Sooooooooooo, I won't blab any further.

-- fast forward -- 

S.R. asks them to introduce themselves, one man says he was a Peshmerga for 32 years. At that point I gulp, having second thoughts about the program in my section of the training. 

I did my part of the training and observed all the other sessions too. I came to the conclusion that everyone has a child within them. Everyone, no matter how serious their job requires them to be or at whatever ranking they're in they are ready to learn. I realized those who are often tough and rough with us may have a softer side than you and I. It is all about the atmosphere that we create for ourselves, it is all about the feelings that we are surrounded by, because that determines how we act with people. 

A rewarding experience indeed.

More to come tomorrow

Love Saza - Shaw Shad!* 

*Good night. 

24 hours.

My dearest...

There is always hope, light, life

As the sunsets and the beautiful blend of colors add another form of life to a sky seeming to close its curtains for the day we automatically recap the past 24 hours. Tonight, like any other night I do the same and just like any other day and like any other person on this planet the past 24 hours -- if I looked at each hour of it -- has been.... well, interesting.

For the first time we organized and implemented an Internship Day (Wow! I remember going to so many events in my life and never realized how much organizing and behind-the-scenes work goes into it). Looking back today, I will call it a success (with all its shortcomings) but I can't emphasize just how proud I am of the great team that did all the work. The effort, dedication and sacrifices of the other staff members made it all happen. It's a great feeling! And I am one lucky girl to be surrounded by so many amazing individuals at work.

Having said this other parts of the last 24 hours have not been so great, and that's fine. With the sound of the morning prayers echoing through a silent neighborhood, the sun welcoming a new day and the gentle cool, morning breeze will swipe with it the recent sorrows. I am sure.

Lots of love
Saza - I think my bed time these days is earlier than my neighbour's little kids!

Star gazing? Anyone?

Dearest....

Why do I make remarks that often makes me feel like an alien on this planet? Okay, maybe that's a silly question considering some of the thoughts I often have... but still, that's no excuse!

Today, was one of those days where you come back from work half-dead, with every part of your body wanting a long rest, especially your mind (and soul).

I was giving a quick over view of my hectic day to S.M., being myself I admitted I wanted to sit somewhere and watch the moon and stars in the sky. "I don't want to be inside feeling closed by all the walls."

And that was my little aha moment even though S.M. didn't react in anyway but the cold reply clearly hinted to me: "You're tired so just go to bed!"

I don't wish for my point to be lost, the fact that I said I don't want to feel closed off between walls reflects something. Does it not?

So what if we sat in the garden in absolute silence and listening to the occasional sound of insects who come out after dark while seeing the moon and stars? So what if we went for walks under the moon? Seems like in today's world that's an absurd thing to do.

Anyhow, no moon or stars for me tonight. Finished off homework and now it is straight to bed for another long day tomorrow. But still, I wished I could spend half an hour alone outside walking, or just sitting and staring into the sky.

Good night

Saza -- so tired not sire if a single word makes any sense in this entry. Good Night! 

Old is Gold

Dearest...

So, I get a gift from someone dear to my heart. Wait wait. Before I go any further you need to know that once I get used to something it is hard for me to change, it becomes part of my life no matter how old, ugly or useless it becomes. I simply feel when something is loyal to me, I need to be loyal in return... even if it is a mobile phone.

So here I am, all evening long trying to work with a touch screen. I miss my old BlackBerry, where you could hear the buttons every time I phoned or texted. Fell off my hands a million times and never broke (Note: this was not one of those fancy BlackBerry phones, I think it is the oldest one and the first one ever made) but I love it and I miss it. It is time to move on.

No matter how resistant you are to certain progresses, sometimes you just fall in.

I wonder how my grandparents lived without a MacBook Pro, an iPad or a fancy phone. I wonder how they lived without internet. I actually don't wonder, I can imagine it and I to be honest I think life would've been much much better without all these things. Even though they have become priorities in my life.

Imagine an evening without television. How great? You would just sit with your family and talk. Imagine no mobile phones or internet. Even greater, you meet your friends more, talk face to face and you don't reach a point where you have 2000 friends on Facebook, but when you need a shoulder to cry on you look right, you look left and you find no one.

While I love a lot of things about our world, I must admit personally I think I prefer a life without all the extra accessories  that we have now. Although, I know very well these accessories are now necessities.

Good night
Love Saza - I wonder, if I can live a life without any technology. 

Freedom Writers

Dear: Someone, somewhere...

Freedom Writers  - My Friday evening

I am suffocating.

I generally don't enjoy movies. While people watch them for fun, I prefer to do other things. But, when I do watch the rare movie every once a year or so I connect so closely that it lives with me. I live with the characters and I become part of the story myself.

I basically have to hide my tears by pretending there's something in my eye, this is if I don't start sniffing.

My loved ones sometimes watch movies over and over again and I don't see the point. But since the first time I watched Freedom Writers as part of the my school assignment more than a decade ago, every time it has been on TV or I have had access to it, I have not hesitated to view it a second, third and a fourth time.

Tonight, in front of our TV at home, on the sofa I once again tried to hide away my tears as I watched what is one the closest movies to my heart.

I am suffocating.

As much of an inspiration the movie is, just as much it makes me reflect on the realities of my society, of many societies. It reminds me of the injustices, it reminds me of the endless deserving young people (boys and girls) who need someone to believe in them, treat them well and reach out for their hands.

The story reminds me of my friends A.S and B.A.  who together managed to put an orphan through school after 15 years, because no one gave her the chance before (trust me you don't want to hear the excuse).

I hate it how we live in an atrocious world where man kills man. Where we hate one another and we are greedy animals only searching for the interests of our own kind.

I am suffocating because of the injustices happening everywhere, in every direction we look. It is in such a way that you become part of it too... thinking it is normal. But it is not.


Lots of love
Saza - Note to self: Don't ever do injustice Saza to anyone, any race, any background, any person. And here is a promise made.


I am inspired. Trust me. 

The heartless father

My dearest,

I am not a mother. 

However, for two days now I have been struggling to find the answer to many questions. I am struggling to know  how could a mother let go of her children. I am struggling to understand how a father can leave his crying child at the orphanage because Ms. New Wife married him on the condition that he doesn't keep his son. What is this world coming to? 

I was listening to the fight while I was at the orphanage. The birth mother of the little boy (around 8 years old) died. The boy is crying for his father, but the father admits to the director of the orphanage that he doesn't want to take the child home because of his Bride. It is certainly not my business to judge the woman nor is it my right to talk against this heartless, selfish, cruel father (I think it should be illegal to even refer to him as a father). I am not questioning, and I am attempting to avoid judgement. But I can't. How? Why? How? and Why? How? Again. 

Aside from all this. The child has been examined by a medical team. It is stated his conditions require him to be in a family environment, hence, to be nurtured with love. The so-called father sees this report and decides he will look for a family to "give" his son to. 

My frustration and resentment of the situation does not allow me to write further. 

Children are too precious to be heart broken. If you're mature enough to bring a child into the world, you must understand that it is your God given duty and responsibility to raise that child to the best of your ability. Otherwise, just DON'T DO IT. Simple as that. 

Saza - Shaw bash!

Winter.. oh winter!

"The color of springtime is in the flowers, the color of winter is in the imagination."

I miss winter nights. Winter mornings.
I am a winter person.

I miss the snow,
the sound of rain on my window as I am curled in bed

Naked trees in white frost

Baby M.

Dearest.... *

Baby M few hours after his birth. 

I sit on my bed tonight, knowing this was a life changing weekend. Another little one opened his eyes into the world. I am going to take the time to blab a little bit in this post. So please bare with me.

S.I and I were class mates years ago, soon we became friends, then good friends and towards the final year of uni best friends. All of a sudden she was the one I spoke to the most, went out the most (we actually spent almost every February 14th together) and here it was, someone who understood me and my thoughts. Who believed and motivated me. Here was a friend who wished for my successes, advised me and always wanted and planned for the best for me. The years went past, we graduated, worked and for a while I had to leave but even in distance Skype, inboxes and emails wouldn't stop.

I remember the first time S.I. covered her face and spoke to me of someone special in her life, it was only days later, someone special had proposed, and not even weeks later, they were engaged. I arrived back for the big day (I can never describe the feeling of seeing your best friend in a white dress)... the point is I feel a part of every single step of this journey. I was far away when I heard the S.I was going to be expecting a baby in less than nine months time.

And this weekend, on Friday 3rd of May 2013 I saw someone who I would like to call my nephew. I couldn't hold back tears seeing S.I on the hospital bed but as soon as I looked into her eyes, I knew that look too well. The look in her eyes as she stared at her newborn (MY nephew) reminded me yet another time just how special life is.

I am excited for the days, months and years ahead. As I see Baby M grow. I look forward to passing by after work just to say hello to him. I look forward to his first smile, first clap, first few steps and his first word... just like his own mum. When we love those around us, we automatically love the ones that they love..

Good night
Saza - Hoping to be a cool aunt for Baby M.




* Not sure if there is one, or none, reading this blog. 

Aunt Saza

I am known to love the little ones in my life, and in the life of my loves ones. 

While Baby Lana is all the way in Aussie land, little Miss A in India and Baby B in Lebanon, soon someone special is going to be born into the world, and I hope to see him in his first few hours after birth. 

For some reason birth and new borns mean a lot in my life for two main reasons. Firstly, it is a special feeling to see those closest to my heart going through motherhood for the first time in their lives. I enjoy seeing them grow as individuals and more importantly to see them happy. These little angels bring a bundle of happiness. Secondly, every new life reminds me of how special life is. How delicate and precious we are. I am amazed by Allah's creation.

Rarely does a day goes pass without me receiving a picture from either Little Lana, Miss A or Baby B and soon.. the baby boy (Either Baby D or Baby M. Name yet to be confirmed).

Lots of Love

Saza - I am a proud aunt to the children of my best friends who have substituted for the blood-sisters that I never had. 

The Journey continues

Dearest,

The faces that make each day a delight at my work place

Sometimes I wish this phase of my life would pass in slow motion, because currently it is just like a sway of breeze passing by a little too fast to be captured and turned into words. Nevertheless, every encounter is having a great influence on me.

Not too long ago I became a certified Edward De Bono Trainer, hence the months--and years-- to come will be very interesting as I expected to train groups of individuals in different companies, institutions and offices. This means doing more of what I love- meet people, interact, learn and share what I have.

At work I am just getting used to playing the role of a boss --I actually don't like that word-- recently I came to realize that in the entire university I am the only female director, and the youngest of everyone else, not just directors but also the staff. Our VC pointed this out recently during a meeting we had with a third party. I never thought of it this way, and never did it occur to me that it would matter, however, since that meeting something inside me wants to strive harder. Much harder. As if, you want to prove yourself, not just yourself, but you want to prove that young people (23, in my opinion is still very young) in particular females can take on leadership roles and run an entire department. Something inside me wants to succeed in this job, just because I want those following me to also be young, vibrant and I am going to be biased her, I hope they are females!

I hope my words do not entail that everything is running smoothly, because it's not. Though I am lucky to belong to a work environment that I am very comfortable in. I always wished and dreamed that every morning I woke up I looked forward to the place that I was going to spend most of the rest of my day in. I can proudly admit at least four out of the five working days I look forward to my day!

Meanwhile, when there is any free time I transfer my focus and energy into writing my second book. This one is of a very different kind to the previous. I am excited.

Lots of love
Saza - Tomorrow is going to be a busy day!

A little note

Dearest...
I have been a way for a little while on Tasbih-Cha although in the meantime I have filled the pages of my diary with lines of thought, emotions and recent experiences

Life? Everything is well, I have a few major projects in mind, that I am starting to implement slowly during my free time on the weekends. I have been thinking a lot about Pura Gulizard at the Elderly People's Home, next weekend that's the first thing that must be done. Other than that the kids in the orphanage are also keeping my mind busy. I often feel sorry for my mind, poor thing has too much to process... I need to take it easy! In the end I know too well my wellbeing comes above and beyond everything.

I've decided to blog a little bit about work, what goes on and my daily encounters.  Not only do I have a unique career now (note, this is not volunteering, but my proper everyday job, literally from 8 to 5) but the challenges and the experience is definitely enriching...

Bye for now!

These Days

Dear...

These are precious times...
Precious moments...

These are days teaching us
lessons, patience and strength

These are experiences teachings us
Acceptance, tolerance, thankfulness

These are times teaching us
Forgiveness, true happiness and love


TO BE CONTINUED.


Saza - Safe trip my dearest, 

What is beauty?

Peacock showing off its plumage

Dear.... [Amicus, at least]
I will leave you with these this photo. Look at the details... Each speak a thousand words, they reflect our society, our personalities and our life too!

Until tomorrow, good night!

Saza- From KL with love,

KL Bird Park

A walk to remember...

Made with Love

Respect.

Dear...

I wish I had an artistic talent, I wish my hands could dance on a piece of white paper and create a beautiful drawing. I wish I could make beautiful handmade things to give to the ones I love. Maybe I want to share my talent with others or use that talent to pass something meaningful to the world.

The highlight of my day was when MM and I discovered a beautiful young girl sitting on the street making beautiful bracelets and selling them. Her simplicity, passion, beauty and delicate personality made me love her art more.

My artist friends tell me too often that their art can't be sold and be equivalent to any amount of money, and I agree. Looking at the pieces with MM and deciding which one to purchase I was thinking to myself: "I wonder what she was thinking while making this piece... I wonder where she was...I wonder how it feels to spend hours on a little hand band or a necklace and then know it will be kept with  someone forever - it must be special, right?

The utmost respect to all those who make anything that is handmade. If you're ever thinking of a special gift? Well, something simple and handmade is definitely to tell that special someone they mean a lot to you.

Love
Saza - still in KL.

From KL, with Love!

Earlier this evening, a walk through streets of KL

Hello dearest reader,

While the blog may seem empty and dull, the pages of my diary and notebooks are filled with lines and page after page of thoughts and feelings!

This time I am writing to you from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. It was not the perfect time for any trip since there is a lot going on at work, and I feel guilty leaving it all behind to enjoy my time. Although, I believe every opportunity one has to travel the world, see people, places and go through different experience then there should never be a second thought.

When it comes to travelling I like to dig deep into the culture. So far what I have seen is beautiful, but I am looking to do things and see places that can't be done anywhere else in the world except here in Malaysia. I am not sure what my family will think of some of the points on my TO DO list.

Will keep you posted. Special thanks to SK.

Good night from Kuala Lumpur!

When I'm free..

A child at Mali Khanda feeling FREE!

My dearest Reader,

Indeed Jean- Jacques Rousseau was right in saying "Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains," But there ought to be times where we feel free, when we feel unchained from the chains of society. From the chains we chain ourselves with. 

I feel free when:

... when I wear jeans, a T-shirt, a pair of sports shoes, have the tasbih around my wrist, a large shoulder bag and I begin to walk. 

... when I am sitting on a bus, train, plane, or even on the ground and I have a pen and a notepad in my hand

... when I am sitting on a mountain

... when I am walking by the shores of the ocean

... when I look at the moon at night

... when I am around those I love

... when I make someone else smile 

I feel free every time I sit, think and dream. For my dreams and imagination can fly off the ground, can travel the world, visit the stars, go to the past and jump into the future freely, the way they want to. 

Saza - By the way every time I write a blog for tasbih-cha I feel freed

The Perfect Moment

Reading Paulo Coelho, Aleph

Dearest...

(sometimes I feel like I am writing to myself, but that's okay.)

Today I felt unwell, and usually when I feel a little down or unwell I do actually take care of myself. So, I didn't go to work. In fact, believe it or not, I didn't even leave the premise of our house (I did go to the garden outside, but that is still home). It felt great.

I actually had time and energy in me to sit with mum and dad to laugh and talk and "catch up" in front of the TV in our living room. Only after I Facebook-ed the picture on the right did it occur to me how precious the day was.

I managed to do some research, a little bit of writing, started reading a new book (Paulo Coelho's Aleph) and had long conversations with mum and dad during all this. Didn't do anything grand, didn't put in much effort but I definitely advice you to give yourself the chance to do nothing, give yourself a day a week where your diary doesn't have anything written in it. A day a week with absolutely no plans, just go with the flow. Do what your heart and mind want you to do. And as I always say, please, oh please, take the time to enjoy the simplest of things in life. Believe me they bring the greatest joy!

Saza - LL! Love Life!  

Special Moments

Dearest reader,

The best moments...

Do you ever ask yourself: "What are my best moments?"

I ask myself this question almost everyday. On Saturday I was invited at the house of one of my closest friends, B.R., her mum had cooked the most amazing food (since she is my friend, [un]surprisingly her cooking skills aren't perfect! Phew! I am not the only Kurdish girl with talent in burning down a kitchen and cooking up un-edible food) and the gathering was amazing.

What I loved most was after lunch we sat on the floor with our cha (tea) and gulabarozha as we spoke (everything from politics and how to bake a cake) I would look to my right, to my left and to those sitting in front of me. Each brilliant in her own way, each an inspiration, each a role model and each chasing a dream. These four woman have amazing hearts and are gifts sent from God to this earth.

It was a simple gathering, but the meaning was beyond what words could write. I felt I am myself and I didn't feel pressured to act or speak a certain way. I felt safe, loved and more importantly I felt I was around individuals who cared for me. We have come to live in a world where most of the time you deal with people who dislike you. People who only hope for your failure, who are washed with selfishness. To feel you're surrounded with pure hearted individuals is indeed special.

Life is not always perfect, in fact it is never perfect. But when we manage to enjoy these simple things it eases a lot of everyday stress that knocks on our door, and enters without permission.

Saza - Listening to Quraan is the medicine to my tough days! It brings a calmness, and hope. 

My VIP

Dearest reader (A.S. since you promised you would read)

Me, during one of my happiest moments (last week)

For any 23 year-old girl in my part of the world I am pursuing a dream career full of life, action, people and what better than being the "Boss".

But my dream?
No. Not an ambassador, not a PM, not some VIP (why do we have Very Important People anyway, aren't all people just as important). My dream, years down the track is to be able to wear my jeans, get into a simple top and go out and work with people who are vulnerable.

I want to write their stories and speak their voices. I want to live their life. I want to research their lives. I want to teach and pass their story to others.

I love people. To be precise, I love simple people. I love listening to people. I love smiling, and talking and asking questions. I love learning about people. For each individual can be a school, each individual is special, and each one is a VIP.

Maybe this is why when ever I feel I am becoming too stressed, and too carried away with everything that is going on in this world I dress in what comforts me and make my way to one of these VIPs.

For now good night

Saza- In the weeks to come I will tell you more about the VIPs of my heart

Joy

Little Miss S

Dearest...

In my room right now I have my father's friend's daughter... she is such a beautiful little girl.

A few days back she had a test so her parents brought her over and  together we learned the names of some animals and whether they fly, swim, walk or run. Apparently today she told her father she wouldn't complete her homework unless she came to me.

As little miss S is at my desk writing her homework (the alphabet basically) and me, sitting on my bed, I smile coming to realize just how much I have learned from a little girl. Her innocence, her smile, her purity, her love

I think even my parents look forward to hearing the door bell ring and see little S being dropped of at our house, she comes in her cute pink outfit, her textbook and pencil case in her hands. They both walk to the door and welcome her (I love watching dad spoiling her).

Children bring a form of joy that I can't describe. I wish tonight Little Miss S stays with me, I wish I can read her a bed time story, tuck her into bed, and watch her sleep. But soon her parents will come and pick her up....

Saza, (She has been working quietly, I have some music on.. you know my taste of music from the time before I was born. She looks at me, raises her eye brows and smiles. "Shall I turn it off?" I ask, she nods.)