Looking for a mum

Aya

Dearest...

Today was one of those days where you are exceptionally happy and exceptionally sad at the same time. Does that even make sense? Yes? No? Well, let me explain.

We (the usual B.A., A.S., A.R.) were invited by the older girls in Mali Xanda to have iftar* with them. B.A. called me and of course I leave all our guests at home -- just to be kind,  I took one of the cousins -- and off I went. As soon as I walked in I saw the big pot of dolma!!!! Yes, you read right, DOLMA. And what happens when Saza sees dolma? She owns the world!

We enjoyed our iftar, spoke a bit, joked a little, washed the dishes.. and then Aya came. It upset me how everyone told her off, "Go away... leave the plates... You will break it all... You *&^$#... The crazy Aya came." I decided that Aya was going to help A.R. and myself in washing the dishes and what a great job she did at that.

Later she played with my phone, soon she insisted I model for her so she can pictures of me and within minutes later Aya ran inside the house, I followed fearing she will be up to mischief, but there she was sitting alone, quietly in the room watching her favorite TV shows. I asked her to join us in the other house, during the break she did. Not long later, I found Aya'd head placed on my thighs as she watched her TV show.

Tears filled my eyes as I played with her newly cut hair, as I observed all her wounds and bruises. It stings my heart to know that only because she has ADHD this beautiful little girl MIGHT be sent to what we have come to believe is a mental institute in Baghdad. The condition thus far is we find Aya a family who are willing to adopt her or take her into foster care.

Our search has started, sometimes we feel lucky, other times we feel... not so lucky!

As for me, when we left Mali Xanda Aya pleaded I take her on a little ride in my car in the parking. Of course the other kids followed and we did just that. She took a very special little Quraan in my car, kissed it and said she wants to keep it. I let her keep it.

What she doesn't know is I have written a few lines on the first page of that Quraan. Never did I know one day Aya will take it....

Aya needs a Daya^ and here I am trying to make this happen. I often ask myself whether I can be Aya's Daya... but I know she needs a lot of care, at the moment with an 8 to 5 job I will not be of much help to her. I am just questioning myself, if we reach the deadline and we haven't found anyone... will I have no other option but to open my own doors to Aya? What will the family think? What is going to be S.K.'s reaction? Will it be fair I bring in someone who needs a lot of attention  and I am sure I won't be able to give it to her at this point in my life?

Lots and lots of questions. I am unsure of many answers, but one thing I am sure of is that Aya can not and will not step foot into Baghdad.

Love
Saza - A little frustrated, but I must admit I had the best iftar this Ramadan.


* Dinner to break the fasting during the month of Ramadan
^ The greatest Kurdish word - mother