Don't be afraid.

Have you ever made a decision that you didn't like?

Have you ever felt situations force you to take a certain route?
Have you ever felt like forget emotions, I must make this decision to get to what I want?

The problem with having a strong personality and a presence is that you can't accept being walked on. You can't accept others leading and you following. You were not brought up to be bossed around, but you are brought up to make decisions for yourself, make your own plans for the future, and take responsibility for your own actions.

Make a rational decision. If those around you are also rational than they will take on your decision, if they loved and cared about you then they will listen to what you want. If they didn't then be sure you made the right choice by being rational. Because only when you make such decisions will you know if those around you really care or not.

I admire those who stand up for what they want.

Life. Wounds. And everything in between

My dearest reader,

Life is beautiful. Google image. 

It is true when they say the years are passing swiftly, and it is all days of our lives that is gushing in front of our eyes. It is true every year you have a birthday it is not just a number going up, it is not just a celebration of that lucky day when you came into the world, my dearest reader it is much more... much much more. 

For me, recently I have learned every year, everyday, every week and every hour we become wiser. Every experience and every encounter that may happen adds to our personalities. Of course, you would be naive to think all these experiences are happiness, joy and great success. No, my dearest, most of these experiences are the exact opposite. 

I did not realize, but I have come to embrace every experience and see the positive side of everything (seems like reading all those Coelho posts and books is actually having an impact) sometimes in life you need to reach a point where you can laugh at what puts you down, where that gush of wind hits you hard and you fall badly on your knees-- and you get injured too-- but you manage to stand up, keep walking, crawling or running while healing that wound of yours. 

So, if you feel like you've got a wound stand up right now. Don't run, crawl if you have to, but move forward and heal that wound YOURSELF. 

Have a great day

Saza

One simple question.

To the dearest two reading this + AS.

A close friend of mine, who I believe is going to be the next big philosopher whose books will be read and studied by our grandchildren, sent me a random message on the BlackBerry two nights back which read exactly this: Sazzz have you ever asked yourself why do we love the people we love? With lots of stress, some misery of my own and piles of papers, and files on my bed and a laptop trying to finish off something I was working on this question came at the wrong timing. So, I am going to reply to her here. 

I believe in many of our preferences in life we have underlying reasons. However, when it comes to love I think it is a different matter. 

[I just wrote a loooooong essay response to this, then highlighted it all and pressed BACK SPACE on the keyboard] A.S let me give you one simple quote: "Love is a serious mental disease."  Hope this answers your question. 

23 and 2 days

Dearest...

Two options, A) you either love me for writing a very short entry two days back, or B) You are upset that I didn't express enough.... if you chose option A then I am afraid this entry is not for you. Because I have a lot to say. And I am going to say it all.

Now that all the birthday celebrations from family, relatives, friends and colleagues are done I want to take a few minutes to look back at my year; 22 was a special year for me, I finished my MA and made one of my dreams come true. At 22 I found some very close people in my life, that have become some of the most special individuals. In the past year I lost one of my uncles and it brought a dark cloud to our family, although with that sadness I also witnessed many happy moments with my family and friends. Including the marriage of two of my best friends, the birth of two beautiful children (even though they are so far away from me), the graduation of my favourite cousins, and I managed to visit UK, Iran and Egypt.

When I was a young girl, full of hopes, dreams and ambitions -- I would like to think that I am still full of that positive energy-- I always wished for my age to stop at 21. I imagined 21 to be the perfect age. Of course, now I know that there is no such thing as a perfect age, reality is very different. I left 21, soon I left 22 and now 23.... the years are passing by like blowing wind. Today, as I write to you, I don't want the years to stop. I don't want to freeze in time and  I don't want to stop growing. Every year there is an experience that gives a life lesson, every year brings winds, storms as well as sunshine and rainbows.

When I am 23 there are a few goals that  I have set myself, above all I want to begin my PhD, although I am aware for reasons beyond my control this may not happen until another few years; if not, then I would like to work on my second book. I have a feeling 23 is going to be special and unique in its own way. I am also going to be aunty to the children of two of my closest friends, a baby boy due in May and a baby girl due in April 2013. I guess having a 23 year-old aunty is going to be super cool - yes? no? Of course yes!

 23 might be a turning point in my life....

Saza - getting old (joking!)

23.

To my two favorite blog readers in the world,

Today, at 9:21 a.m. I turned 23.
I can't go through every thing that happened during the past two days as part of my birthday. A few very special things happened besides blowing candles on more than one birthday cake and receiving gifts.  But what was more special is that I got a poem written to me by a friend, a plane ticket from a loved one saying that they will be returning home soon ....


I am going to go to bed and re-write this post tomorrow morning.

Saza - exhausted! 

Happy moments

In Cairo, felt like I was walking in my history book

To my dearests, I actually think there is two of you who almost always read and there is my pen pal in India who passes by when she has time

Any how...

Have you ever asked yourself "am I happy?" Do you realize how sometimes we bring upon ourselves stress and sadness when we can easily avoid it. In my recent trip to Cairo I got the chance to go and sit by the Nile under the moon, the following day I visited the Pyramids. While there are many things in Egypt that I can criticize I must admit I thoroughly enjoyed my time.

I loved talking to people, asking questions, and discovering the culture.  I loved going places and having new experiences, no stress, no worries, just listening, observing, discovering. Could that have been pure happiness? Then again at the back of my mind I was always thinking of people, I felt something was missing, I wanted certain people to be with me and enjoy the moments I was enjoying. 

Happiness, my dear friend is what we make it to be. For me, happiness is not the ideal way of life, but a feeling that you can bring to yourself. A point where your mind and heart are at ease. 

I doubt many things, but there is one thing I know for sure: happiness is not and will never be materialistic based. 

From Cairo... with love!

Dearest - the two of you reading this! You know very well who you are :)

Last night it was a night to remember. First of all I spent the evening talking to different people in Tahrir Square in Cairo (it's okay you can breathe out. I am not going to blog politics for you!)

I went on the carriage, stood up and looked up. Hands laying on the seat in front of me, the horse galloping away, my hair blowing with the wind... and so were on the bridge and crossed the Nile. The colours were beautiful, the water was amazing, the sky with the moon was spectacular. I managed engrave something on a rock... you never know if I ever return it might be there. love travelling, seeing different cultures and undergoing different experience. Every city you visit, it leaves with you something unique, it gives you a certain feel and it brings to your mind certain thoughts. I love the entire experience even if it is not always the most luxuries.

Overall it was an evening that you often see in one of those 'and they lived happily ever after' movies. Even though Egypt still has many chapters to finish before they live happily ever after.


Lots of love
Saza - Cairo. 

Right Now I dream of...

Dear Sweet Reader,

Right now...

I dream of a walk on the shores of the ocean.
I wish for my feet to sink in sand...
I wish to see the shades of yellow and orange sinking far behind the ripples...

In this dream I imagine the baby wave washing away the trail of my feet.

With each wave every step is cleared,

In this dream I am not alone.

I am with the sky,
I am with the birds,

I am with the sound of waves,
I am with the gentle breeze,

I am the bird.
I am the wave.
I am the breeze.

My heart is as deep as this ocean,
My thoughts as colourful as this sky,

My  dreams all of a sudden have wings,
My wounds and fears are washing away..,

Just like the wave that washed away every step I take in the sand.

---
In few hours time I am off to the airport to take part in a meeting taking place in Egypt. So, the next entry will be signed off from Cairo.

The 14th.

Dearest ...

It is late. I have had a very long day.
Life is good.

Many interesting things happened today. Had a seven-hour meeting on youth in Iraq. I will tell you about it tomorrow.

Just wanted to say I love the 14th of every month. Something unique and special always has to happen on the 14th, today was no different.

Saza - Happy 14th.

"I'm done" - With love!

Dear Kulka & Amicus, since you're the only two out there reading I am going to dedicate this to both of you,
About two hours ago (after refreshing the page ever since this morning) I managed to get my results online.

Today, on November 12th, 2012 I became an official graduate, MA in Diplomacy (with some great marks). The first people to know about this were the people who were with me this entire journey, and I couldn't go to sleep without passing the news to you as well. I feel proud, because while many see this as something simple and easy for me it was a huge challenge because it was more than just studies and essays. For me, there were life time changes, I felt like someone who could not swim but was thrown in the middle of the ocean. But you know what? I felt like there were great dolphins in that ocean.... I dedicated my dissertation to these individuals.


Saza - Very thankful.

100 things I love.

100 things I love

Dearest, sweetest reader... (both of you out there- you know who you are!)

Today wasn't a perfect day. In fact, it was a bad day. So I decided that I will challenge myself with writing a list of 100 things that I love (in nor particular order)

1. I love going on picnics with the family
2. I love doing community work with my close friends
3. I love looking through old draws, boxes and pictures.
4. I love Kurdish folklore
5. I love walking under the rain, on the sand by the shores,
6. I love snow fights
7. I love being up high and seeing a great view below
8. I love traveling to places that I haven't been before
9. I love experiencing and learning about different cultures
10. I love having a vase always full of flowers and roses
11. I love winter from behind the window
12. I love doing scrap booking, even though I don't have an artistic side
13. I love praying and reading Quran
14. I love reading non fiction books
15. I love evenings at home when no one is doing anything and we're all in front of the TV
16. I love working with youth
17. I love listening to people express themselves
18. I love my pen pal in India
19. I love the life time sisters I have found through my blog
20. I love the way I still have contact with my childhood friend even though continents separate us
21. I love being part of people's weddings and graduations. Feels like their happiest moments in life
22. I love my green tea when I am very stressed or very angry or very upset
23. I love eating dolma with all my relatives
24. I love it when my brother sits down and talks about how our future will be
25. I love celebrating special dates that are important in my life
26. I love dates that look nice (weird I know) but numbers like 12/12/2012, 20/02/2020 make me happy
27. I love listening to old songs, including Um Kalthoum and Abdel Halim
28. I love looking at the moon at night
29. I love photography and taking pictures
30. I love my father's eyes when they are happy and proud
31. I love pens with a good grip
32. I love diaries and fancy, out of the ordinary note books
33. I love putting on candles and lamps at night
34. I love the smell of newly printed books (weird. I know)
35. I love it when people dedicate things to me- paintings, drawings, books, songs, poems!
36. I love gummy bears, mentos and Ice Cream
37. I love collecting memories, like a leaf or a rock after a memorable walk etc..
38. I love dating things that I collect or I have that are important to me
39. I love the way people make the time to comment on a blog
40. I love sleeping that extra five minutes after the alarm rings in the morning
41. I love drinking chai (tea) from an istikan (a small glass only for drinking tea)
42. I love going to waterfalls hidden between mountains
43. I love people who are adventurous
44. I love the feeling of working hard towards something I really love
45. I love collecting quotes
46. I love highlighting and writing on sticky notes of all colours, shapes and sizes (while I am studying)
47. I love sitting on the floor between library shelves (another weird one. I know)
48. I love getting hand written letters or cards
49. I love long train journeys (only if I have a window seat)
50. I love leaving the house and seeing my neighbour's kids outside waving to me
51. I love the feeling of going to sleep after submitting a big assignment
52. I love mugs that have interesting writing on them
53. I love being on the passenger seat when driving at night with gentle music
54. I love going to work and finding something on the desk
55. I love houses that are decorated during special occasions like Christmas
56. I love antique shops
57. I love the sound of walking on autumn leaves
58. I love painting things that I call "abstract art" but all it is, is a mess
59. I love trying new things
60. I love walking over bridges
61. I love people who are open about their feelings and thoughts
62. I love simple gifts with thought into it, even better if hand made
63. I love surprises
64. I love Twitter
65. I love things that are personalized, either with dates or initials
66. I love working for vulnerable people
67. I love being cared for by those I love (some like to call this attention)
68. I love all the colours
69. I love big hand bags that can fit in everything (and are usually twice my weight and almost my height)
70. I love it when I gain a few kilos
71. I love watching new born babies
72. I love watching the behind the scenes of movies
73. I love Thursday afternoons
74. I love Sunday mornings
75. I love butterflies in any garden
76. I love being in the company of people, but at times I like to be alone
77. I love New Years Eve and writing New Year Resolutions
78. I love my BlackBerry, which still is the first one I ever bought
79. I love cooking and then realizing that it is actually edible
80. I love supporting Manchester United, for the sake of my loved ones
81. I love face to face talks with people
82. I love the Kurdish dahol w zurna 
83. I love knowing that I have made someone happy
84. I love BBQ get-together (even though I don't like eating meat)
85. I love listening to inspiring people talk (No. Even better, I love meeting them)
86. I love a room with lots of book shelves
87. I love writing in my diary
88. I love dolphins, and horses
89. I love how great people can be so simple
90. I love wearing my hoodie with my name written at the back
91. I love my father's tasbih
92. I love sitting around a camp fire
93. I love the sound of baang in the morning and in the evening (call for prayers from the mosque)
94. I love  watching news channels
95. I love it how I am so bad with technology,  and there's always someone making fun of me
96. I love having fancy, different and unique book marks
97. I love walking through old areas of my city
98. I love working with people for people
99. I love the feeling of achieving a goal I had set myself
100. I love the 14th of every month!


By the time I was half way through writing number 90, the thing that bothered me today was solved.

Here is your challenge, next time you feel down list 100 things you love.

Saza- smiling.

Love yourself

special.

Dearest anonymous readers...

Every night I have something to think of while I am reading my book in bed, until my eyes dose and I fall asleep.

Don't get me wrong. I love these thoughts. Inside my petite body, and behind my smile are thoughts as high as mountains and as deep as oceans.

How is it that no one knows what's going on inside our minds and hearts but us? Sometimes I wish people knew how I thought and what I felt. It would make life so much easier I think. I wish they knew it without me having to say it. Simple as that. Maybe this is because I know of my good intentions, or maybe it is because I don't like explaining myself, or maybe I don't like being misunderstood.

This reminds me of one of the training I did for youth, we spoke about loving yourself and who you are. I was preaching that, but for nights on end I questioned whether I actually practice it. After so long, I did come to a conclusion.

I love myself because of the way I think. The way I see the world.  The way I see people. The love and respect I have for individuals, places and things. I love myself for every time I set myself a goal I go through a lot of hardship to reach it, I love myself for being a dreamer, a believer... I love myself for I have managed to surround myself with the greatest friends. You too, think of it. And come to love yourself. But don't love selfishly.

Saza- Hope I gave you something to think about tonight!

Friday Update

Baby B, sending aunty pictures from Beirut!

Dearest reader - I know I had two readers, though I am not sure if you two are still following or not.

Update of things in Erbil now. Well, there is work being done on a youth project that I have been dedicated to for such a long time, it is taking lots of hours but I am loving it and the result is amazing!! That's one.

On a social level, it is hard to believe that I am already an aunty to two  beautiful kids and early next year there are going to be three more little newborns coming into life--please note I only have one brother, but these little ones belong to my closest friends, so I think I honestly deserve to be referred to as an aunty!!! No arguing!! It is amazing how much happiness a little child can bring into the world, even though one is in Lebanon, one in India, one in Australia and two in Erbil. Still, an aunty I am. Follow one of the to-be mums on Diaper Diary Tales!

November is going to be hectic. I have a few weddings to attend, a few trainings to do and a trip to ........! I will leave that one as a surprise!

I love Fridays. Everyone is at home, we have our meals together, friends and relatives sometimes join us and I get time to do things I couldn't during the week. Though I have made myself a promise that I stay home all day on Fridays. Wish you, my dearest reader, a brilliant Friday and a fantastic weekend!

Saza- Happy!!

well then....

Helloooo!!

register here: http://tedxerbil.com/register/

Once again something very exciting is going to happen, on Saturday we begin training a new group of youth. Few days before I am filled with excitement, but at the same time I must admit it I become nervous. You just don't know what to expect, how the atmosphere will be and the first half an hour... well well well. No comment. So far, every ending has been of every training I have done has been sad because I form a special connection with most of the participants and we become friends more than anything else.

Tonight, I am on my bed, in Erbil. It feels great to know mum, dad and my brother are also under the same roof. I remember the times when I wrote alone so far from home, I wished for a day to come where I could be back here, and here it is. Feels SUPERB.

Meanwhile, I'm brainstorming some ideas for a special talk I have very soon.The TEDxERBIL is scheduled for 10th November, I am excited for it, first time ever in Kurdistan. Will keep you updated.


Meanwhile wish you a wonderful day/night
Saza - happy!

Good days

Dearest...

In one of the workshops listening to youth speak

I know, when I am all stressed I write to you and when life is sweet sometimes I don't make time for you, even though you need to be part of my success because you make a great part of the journey. Any how, tonight I decided to give you an update of life right now.

For the past three weeks I have been busy planning workshops for youth, so that they can be peer educators. This was a big dream of mine long ago, and it feels amazing to see the project being implemented now.

Basically, I spend a week or so in the office planning the workshop training material and then five FULL days morning till evening training young people. I love it. I really do. It is not as easy as one would imagine, but at the end of the five days, even if there are two success stories then I feel all the hard work has had great results. During the training I get the chance to listen to the youth of my nation, I get to be part of their life in some way. Often the stories they tell touch my emotions...

From the previous training session we have had so many of the youth call and ask to do volunteer work and start holding peer education sessions for youth in high schools and colleges across Erbil. It feels great. It really does.

Meanwhile, life is BUSY BUSY BUSY! I am also starting preparation for the TEDxErbil event that is scheduled on November 10th.

Just wanted to let you know Erbil is great, and life is all well

Saza - Still itching for something big, though this time I NEED that opportunity to come. Otherwise not possible.

GUESS WHAT?!

Thursday 20 September 2012

At the airport on arrival, taken by NQ.

Dearest reader, especially Anonymous and Kulka!

Guess what?!

I AM IN ERBIL. Yes, right now I am writing from my room in Erbil. I didn’t tell you that I was travelling because no one knew. I planned a surprise return.

Dad, mum and my brother were in the living room watching a movie when I walked in on them. Their reaction was beyond what words could explain. I arrived just over two weeks before the day they were expecting me. I had told them I had booked my ticket for the 30^th when in reality it was booked for the 18^th.  Thanks my dear friend NQ who waited for two hours in the airport for me to arrive then drove me home. If it wasn't for her all this could have not been planned.

To return home and know that this time I don't need to fear a day where I will leave everyone again feels good. The feeling is even better knowing that I am back home with a dream accomplished. The second day after my return I visited the NGO I used to work in, and I am planning to volunteer with them and do some projects related to the UNFPA with youth in Kurdistan until I find my dream job.

Yes. I am in search of a dream job.

Not a job where I will be behind a table and a chair doing paper work, because that's not me. But a job where I will make a difference. Yes I want to change lives. I want to touch lives. I want to see the result of my work right then and there. I want to leave behind foot steps.

Good night from my nest.

Saza – feels great to be home!

--
p.s. I wrote this entry two days back but didn't get a chance to post it.

Sazi & SimSim

My dearest reader....

One of the two baby turtles we got today

Just past midnight, and what a day in London today. The relatives here took me to Oxford street... loved it. Did little sight seeing here and there with all the buses- love looking outside from the windows! Enjoyed it.

We got the two turtles, and the names are Sazi -- named after me -- and SimSim. Felt very honoured to have one of the baby turtles named after me!! They are adorable creatures, I am thinking of getting some when I am back in Hawler, not sure if these little ones need a passport if I take them back. Then again I can just fit them in my pocket.

Also today: Ate the greatest yaprakh (dolma) oh my!! It was brilliant. Great cake yesterday, made specially for me. And many little bits and pieces... the relatives here making me feel too special and sometimes the hospitality is so much I get embarrassed. But loving everything, and the family gathering in the living room with the parents and their five kids (with me six) talking, watching TV and eating... I enjoy that the most.

Loving it all. For once I am not thinking about anything. This, my dear reader is the peak of the mountain!

Good night
Saza - I'm actually sleeping 8 to 10 hours without nightmares that I haven't submitted or that I failed. 

Hello from London

Dear... dearest!!

Lifetime moment- printing final copy of dissertation

Tonight in London it was food around the kitchen table with relatives while making plans to the new family members to arrive tomorrow: baby turtles!

Earlier yesterday I managed to submit my dissertation, and this morning left Nottingham for good. That's it. The journey there came to an end. I did it. I feel great that I have accomplished a mission, that I sacrificed and fought my way and held my breath to the last step of this journey.

The taste of success if very sweet.....
Now the next dream begins, now it is time to plan for the next step and my life from this point on. Will I study more and take the PhD? Will I return home and rest for a good few months? (I can never do that!!) So many questions, but I know I am in search for the dream job, I know I want to go back to a job I love and be surrounded by the great people I have in my life.

I want to fall into the arms of friends and family! So many thoughts going through my mind, but now it is time to enjoy London without thinking of any deadlines.

Saza - mission accomplished!

Done!

Dearest reader, thanks for being part of the journey till here....

That's it. Not much left. 

I am done. Finished. Probably in a day or two I will submit, minor tidy up to do. Had a little break but didn't manage to finish it off properly, tomorrow I see my supervisor. I guess he wants to say good bye and I want to say thank you. He has been great in the sense that he believed in me and in my subject. I will most probably submit the following day. Then it's time that  I do my bit of tourism in the UK before flying back home! Yes. One way ticket back to Kurdistan... Hawler. My luggage is already packed.

I was talking with some relatives earlier today, we were discussing the fact that when you set your mind to something you can achieve it. You certainly can. But what's more is that now that something great is achieved, now that an aim has been accomplished, I am looking for the next big aim, the next big dream. Is this how life is supposed to be? You put an aim, you reach it, then it is not enough so you set the bar at something else?

Is it because it is not enough and you want more, or is it that that's our nature? We always want to work towards something. I don't know what it is. But I know as I write these words I am relieved, finally, I have a piece of research that is purely mine. It might not change the world, it might not even be published, but it is mine, I wrote it and I worked on it. It feels great. 

Bye for now

Saza - I did it. 

A little blue

Where I am & what I'm doing right now

My dearest...

It is one of those nights where I just wish I could be sitting in our family room back home. Dad would be there with the kettle and the tea, me, mum, my brother and maybe even one of the girls might be at my place. That's what I am yearning for right now.

As I am dreaming of this, I remind myself of the words of my dear friend NQ who told me when you almost reach the peak of the mountain, that last part is a little too steep and feels like it is the most difficult, as if it will never end. That's where I stand right now and she is right. It is so steep that every single step needs a bucket of sweat.

There are about 10 or 15 of us scattered in different parts of the computer room in the library--the only section open at this time--true I am stressed, and feeling a little down but I was telling LK (Oh Yes! LK is a sweet Kurdish girl who does night shifts in the library, so she's sitting in another corner and every hour or so she comes to give me a snack or recommends I listen to a song) even this suffering and pain feels good because I know it is worth it in the end. As for the dissertation it seems tobe coming together, though there are little gaps here and there that I am not too happy with... it depends on my mood. Sometimes I'm overjoyed and I love what I am writing, other times after every sentence I look at the word count.

Sweet dreams, though I am still wide awake like an owl drowning among all these papers

Saza,  needs a huge hug from daya (mum) and baaba's (dad) wise words and SK's motivation.


NOTE: If you look to the right of the picture you will see 230 grams of Cadbury chocolate- My fuel tonight!

11 months & 11 days

We have cha together & talk.... distance can't get between
us

My dearest.. who ever you are, where ever you are,

Dissertation is going well, as stressful as it is I am enjoying it. Tonight it is 11 months and 11 days I have left home to begin this journey! On September 20, 2011 I spread my wings.

If I know something for sure, is that I could have never ever come this far without the love, support and encouragement of some very special people in my life.

Believe it or not, every morning I wake up to little good morning messages on the BlackBerry, I wake up and there are at least two or three short emails from my mum and an inbox or two in facebook.

I wake up, and as I am having breakfast (let's be honest: lunch)  I listen to voice notes of the girls -- two of them -- singing to me! Then there is another friend who is always updating me and makes sure to get me our of any stressful mood. Throughout the day there is little emails going back and forth- sometimes pictures, memories other times conversations. When I am on Skype someone always says hi, someone is always asking about the dissertation.

Someone is always asking if I have eaten well, if I have slept well and if I am okay. What else could I want? Is there anything greater than this in the world? It is true I am the one who is receiving this degree, but it is these people in my life who deserve it more.... they are the fuel behind me. I miss them. I love them. In fact this journey, 11 months and 11 days has taught me just how lucky I am to have these individuals in my life.

Shaw Bash!
Saza - feeling too special

I dared me.

Dearest...

Only to think I was in one of those seats

I was shocked by surprise today, someone asked me why I hadn't written here in so long. Yes, someone actually noticed I haven't been writing.

Well. You are expecting to read something like another one of my nights (3:24 am now) some slow music, lots of tea and a dissertation. Well you are right, but what you don't know is that I did something exciting, daring and scary this week. I thought my body, mind and heart needed it. I went on a trip to Alton Towers with a group of friends.

The always afraid Saza who always used to take pictures when her friends were on the rides this time decided to sit down, buckle up and try everything. I needed to make up for my so many days of doing nothing but researching.

Thank God for the 45-minute long queues before each ride I had the time to read to myself as much of the Quraan I knew by heart as I possible. I looked in into the sky and asked God to look after me. I literally felt like I am walking to death. My sweet group of friends would look at me with sympathy thinking "Can she really do it?" although I must admit they fooled me into all the rides saying "it's for kids."  

When I was actually in the ride, I would pray, scream, call out for "Mummy" and yell out "I hate you all" to the friends with me.

I came back sick, dizzy, tired, my vocal chords torn, and my heart had probably moved out of place. But despite all this I loved it. In fact, every single one of those rides I would compare to our own life. It turns you upside down, inside out, fast and slow and there are many surprises along the way but in the end you are somehow safe! I felt something I hadn't felt before.

I really needed that trip... I discovered in myself a daring side that I didn't think I had. If your life is also a routine right now, if you think you're lazy and doing nothing else but being infront of the laptop then dare yourself and do something exciting! Trust me on this one!

Good night,

Saza - stressed, but smiling

The night of Eid

My dearest....

Jezhntan piroz bet! (Happy Eid) I did this today

Anonymous (and Kulka) who happen to read this and write a comment every now and then

Tonight marked the end of Ramadan and tomorrow back home the celebrations begin. I say back home because here I don't feel the Jezhn (Eid) spirit. Tomorrow, like any other day I will go to the study room and sit behind the laptop, books and papers all day (not that I mind). 

Having said this I must admit I miss home and family, I miss having guests and going and visiting family. I miss the cousins (and their kids) visiting. I miss waking up and receiving hugs and kisses from my parents (when it comes to these things I am still a child). 

But then there are the little things that make me smile. The name of some important people in my life appear on my phone, inbox messages, emails, and BlackBerry voice notes are helping- BIG TIME. 

As I sit here knowing there is a very long night ahead of me (I want to reach a certain section of my dissertation so maybe I can go out with some friends on Monday. I have promised myself if I reach that target then I will treat myself) I am thinking of how next Jezhn is going to be. Where will I be? What will I be doing? 

Wish you a great evening

Saza- smiling! I have every reason to smile! 

Here I am, where I wanted to be

My dearest...

Baaba's tasbih in my hand,  at my arrival to UK. 

Baaba, Daya, little brother, loved one, friend, colleague, cousin, neighbour..... (I would be lucky if one of you read this!)

Here I am, making a dream come true. Here I am, almost there. Here I am, no longer years but counting days. Here I am, where I wished to be.

In the past two years. With every shining star. On both my birthday cakes. On every religious pilgrimage. At the end of every prayer,

I would wish and pray that I could make this dream come true. To study alone abroad for an entire year. To get the experience, but also the knowledge. To challenge myself. To make me believe that yes I can achieve something this great. When I see all the stress I am in, the deadlines approaching and sometimes feeling my sentences are not making sense and the word count is not going up I try to remember those times where I wished and wished to live this moment.

And when I ask myself, I know that if the time went back then I would wish and pray for the same thing. Hence, sleepless nights, hair fall, weight loss, bags under the eyes, night mares, homesickness, loneliness, what ever the sacrifice might be it is all worth it. I know it is.

I won't say good night- because my night is only just starting.
But when you do sleep I wish you sweet dreams!

Saza- tired but hanging in.

I am lov'n it

My dearest....

Just a normal night doing research

It has been few days! If you were worried (two of you reading this out there) then I assure you everything is going well. I can't believe in six weeks time this journey is going to be over. With all the stress, hard work and sacrifices I must admit I am going to miss it all. 

I love the feeling of working hard for something. The feeling that you must put in an effort to reach an aim, the hard times and the pain. I enjoy it because I know it is worth it in the end, I like to feel the pain of it all because I know I will enjoy the success of it even more. I am going to miss these times. Life is a routine right now, I do complain and I do look forward to finishing it all, but I also know deep down inside I am taking pleasure in this process. I feel good about myself that I am going through this because when it is all over and I do get my degree the feeling of achievement will be SUPERB. 

I can't imagine myself doing anything else in the world right now other than being right here, in this study room of six people (including myself) from morning till evening everyday working on a dissertation that is going to be the result of all my hard work. I'm lov'n it. 

Have a great day,

Saza- dream almost coming true

Succeed then Sleep

Dear....

The reminder on my table. 

Someone somewhere,

Today was not the greatest day that it could have been. But go to sleep tonight having learned many lessons.  I spent a lot of time in the sudy room on my dissertation. It is going well, but well for me is not enough right now, however my message to you tonight is that the feeling of achieving something before you sleep is beyond what words can describe.

Since the first days of my MA degree till now I have a sign on my table that says "Don't sleep till you succeed." I love the nights when  I can put my head on the pillow and think of the one thing that I did that day that makes me proud. I like to remind myself: "today was worth living because...."

Any way, I will go to sleep looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning for a new day. At the same time it feels good that 11 hours of study had some decent results.

Good night - Always remember: Don't sleep until you succeed.

Saza- missing loved ones

Traits.

I like to think, imagine, dream but I also implement,

Dear....

I really don't know who I am writing to you, but I know I want to say something.

It is past 4 am. I am not asleep because of an incident that took place today.

From the research and readings I do in my spare time I have become familiar with different personality traits and characters. I tend to be the type of person that can get a long with many people no matter how different they maybe. In my life I have come across many people, most of whom have been incredible. In fact nearly all of them. Maybe I like to bring out the best of people when they're with me, simply because I have come to believe every person in their own way are great. Having said this, there are some traits I admire more  than others.

For example, I admire a person who can stand up and make decisions for themselves; a person who has high self esteem. I have learned it is those with low self esteem who show flaws in their personalities, it is those who are bold enough to make decisions for themselves, who know what they want in life and who have aims set so that they can achieve are examples of great people. These are the individuals that I like to surround myself with.

I simply believe we reach a stage in life where we are wise enough to stand up and make decisions for ourselves no matter how small or big. This doesn't mean we don't take the advice of others, but sometimes being the leader of your own path is an achievement of its own.

Good night

Sazan - 

The food of my soul

Thank you.

Dear…..

Reader, friend, anonymous, loved one, whoever you might be, in whatever corner of the world.

I am writing what could be the last compulsory submission in my academic life. The deadline is weeks away and I still feel very behind. The point is that it is a very stressful time.   

One of my good friends back in Hawler realized this, she told me "when you are climbing a mountain, and when you can see the top, and you are almost there- that is the hardest part, that is when you sweat more, that is when you know you are going to get there, but you also know to push your limits more than the entire journey." She is certainly right.

Things have never made me happy. Ever. But yesterday I was sent some flowers, it was least expected on a day as stressful as yesterday. But I must admit it did make me happy. I don't know if it was the thought behind it, or it was the flowers themselves. Somehow hope and optimism cheered my day up

.

Then again, flowers would make any human being in this planet happy. I could be all philospical right now and explain what a single flower means to me and what it resembles in my life. But instead I should wrap up and go back to the stacks of readings that are calling my name right now. Although,  "Bread feeds the body indeed, but flowers feed the soul." And when my soul is full my mind begins to function better and my heart can cope more!

Good night my dearest,

Saza  - a little tired.

The people in my life

Dearest reader (seems like this time I am writing to absolutely no one. I don't think there is anyone reading this)......

Morning walk after seeing my supervisor

You know what I am thinking? I am thinking how is that all those around me are such wonderful people. All those in my life have influenced me in positive ways. All those who I am close to give me this positive energy that keeps me going.

I believe every person is a great person inside, all those individuals that we think we can never get along with, we can... if only we understood them more, if only we put ourselves in their shoes, if only we gave them the chance to prove themselves.... if only we somehow managed to bring out the best in them.

Life is only great when you are surrounded by great people. Nothing else matters, nothing else is important. You can have your dream job, drive the most amazing car, live in a posh suburd and be dressed in designer clothes from top to bottom but if in your life you don't have a group of people who you can sit down and laugh with, if you don't have someone to call when you're down, if you don't have someone to watch the sunset with, if you don't have someone who will listen to you complain and another whose shoulders you can cry on, if you don't have people who will come and cook soup for you when you're unwell then all the things that you do have is not worth. What good is the house, car and job going to do?

I maybe wrong in thinking this way. This way of thought may not get me a long way in life... but I always find myself happiest and feeling richest when I am surrounded by those individuals or when I see or hear or read of a deed of those people. It is enough that every night in this little room so far from home so many people come to my mind who I miss. That alone means the world to me.

My life is worth living because of the people in it.
You too, look around you. I am sure there are a few people there who you can never imagine your life without. If you don't have those people, than my dear reader you are missing out on the most important thing in life. Search till you find.

Good night.

Saz.

Happy. Just happy.

August 5, 2012.

My dearest reader.... (though I don't know if you will even bother to read this or not)

I am on a date. Yes. Tonight I had a date.

Next to the window, past 1 am. This might sound a tiny little bit cheeeeeezy but please try to understand. Right now I can still smell the soil after the harsh rain that came down tonight. Earlier I was by the window looking outside and feeling the rain touching my hands and cheeks. Inside the atmosphere was complete by the  light of a candle, the sound of Abdelhalim, a cup of cha and some kulicha that mum made me before I left. Tonight is definitely one of those nights where I feel happy. Complete happiness. Even though my date was (and will continue to be for the next 7 weeks) my dissertation paper.

I am far from home and loved ones. But a skype conversation with the brother and then one with daya and baaba followed by the greatest person of my life, all made me feel warm inside. True, I am far, true today I did nothing more than just go on a morning walk and spend the rest of the day in the walls of a little room (the library was closed) but somehow I feel that pure happines we so often speak of. The true happiness that does not come from material goods or selfishness or other desires.

Even though there is a million things I have to think of, a thousand things that need planning, a hundred things to do and tens of things I want.... but right now. Right here. Nothing matters more than that the simplest of things have managed to bring happiness to me. Life is beautiful. It is enjoyable. If only we expect less of it.

Yes I am happy. The dream continues. The journey doesn't stop.

Good night.

Saz.

Dear....  

Happiest moments of my life...

Once again tonight I'm sitting on my bed (for the last time) and my eyes aren't closing. It's no different from the previous nights except tonight the luggage is on the ground, the books are on the floor and .... well I'm all packed because this time tomorrow I am going to be at the airport ready to fly.

So many good things happened today. Said my goodbye (SEE YOU SOON!!! I dislike that 'good bye' word) to few of the closest people to me. One of those people just happens to know me, my feelings and my thoughts too well, and managed to remind me that I am only 22. Sometimes we (me included) worry and think of so many things in life that we forget to live our age.

My lesson to myself tonight is: Saza calm down. You're only 22. Live your life.
And that is what I am going to do, live my life with all the tops and turns and bumps and the falls. I will live every single moment and enjoy it. As sad and as down and as depressed (Yes! that's right, I am all those and more) I maybe right now knowing that I am not going to see my loved ones for the coming months I am just as excited, motivated and happy to know that I am going to make a dream of mine come true. Not just my dream but the dream of all those who love me, who have supported, encouraged and stood by me. I owe my success and strength to all the great people in my life. They know who they are!

Tomorrow is a new day, and it's waiting for me.
For now good night!

With love
Saz. 

Facing a challenge with a smile!

My dearest… (I am thinking there is only going to be one or two of you who will end up reading this!)

I am sitting on my bed, in my room in Erbil (I know this is going to sound ridiculous but I am listening to a recording of the sound of rain- that's how much I miss rain. Yes so right now as a I type in the hottest summer month in this country I am tricking my brain into thinking its winter and it is raining cats and dogs outside!) while everyone else are sleeping.

These final nights I don't like to sleep, because I don't want to close my eyes and wake up to realize it is already the next day! Because when it is the next day it means I am closer to leaving. A day closer to waving good bye from distance to my father, mother and brother.

It does not matter how independent you are, how free you are and how outgoing you are, when you live alone life is very different. When it becomes evening and you walk to your room, close the door and it is just you, your books, and some music till the sun rises (or should I say till the clouds appear) the next day then life is not always very sweet. Usually I leave with tears and sadness, however this time around there is a change in my attitude.

Maybe I matured, maybe I have become stronger or maybe it is a new me. But this time I am excited to fly out because I feel this mission is almost accomplished. I feel as though I want to suffer a bit and bare the hardship so I can feel the fruit of my hard work. This time round I want to fly out so that I can return having made one of my lifetime dreams come true.  (Even if it doesn't come true I am sure I will learn many lessons as well)

 It is likely I am going to spend most of my time in a little room all alone by a lake view I know I will not feel bored.  At times I will feel down and blue, I will feel stressed and fed up but my dear reader life is only life if every morning we wake up and there is a challenge waiting for us. I know it is going to be hard, I know there will be nights I am going to put my head on the pillow with tears, I know there are going to be days where I wish I never started this journey, I know there will be moments where I will feel like an utter failure but I also know when I make it through to the end I will make a dream come true. It will all be worth it.

My dearest….

Success doesn't come easy; dreams don't come true without some real sweat and sacrifice. That is why after an entire year today as I stand in front of a challenge I approach it with motivation and excitement. If we want something we need to work hard for it. Simple as that.

  

The man, the bike & the bread.

My dearest…

You will be excited to know that I am not sitting in my dark, little room in another country all alone. For a change I am at home, in our house with my family. I have no reasons to complain and absolutely no right to be upset or sad. Everything I could wish for I have. Mum, dad and little brother are all well, loved ones are well, and my friends are as loving and as supportive as they have always been. What else could I ask for?

Having said this, I saw something today that has been eating my insides. A feeling of guilt and frustration is slowly decaying me to pieces.

Mum and I had just finished some grocery shopping - you know in a mall, trolley, cashier and then the guy who puts your shopping in bags, puts in the trolley and insists on taking it to the car so he can earn his extra 1, 000 ID.

I was already feeling guilty and horrible in the inside. While I was indulging in shopping, where I could probably purchase anything that I felt like eating for this evening from the shopping center, there was someone who had probably left his studies to earn his money by putting my goodies in plastic bags and placing the bags in the car, which I can do with my own hands (I don't  like people doing this for me to make my life easier, it simply makes me feel bad- even though I know it is the source of their income). That thought had not had a chance to perish from my mind when I saw something that will probably remain in my mind all night tonight. I will might even dream about it too.

A man, around 40 years of age had stopped his bike by the side of the road. In the back there was a basket with a warm bag of samoon (fresh bread made at the local bakery). The car in front who was also parked there starting driving backwards, he hit the bike and it fell. As it fell all the samoons dropped out the bag and onto the road….

The bike's owner ran, picked up the bread one by one, placed it in the bag. He'd just finished when the car driver bothered to come out his car… I didn’t see any apology or conversation between them. There was the rich guy with a huge belly and a fancy car, and a man who was on an old bike taking home dinner for his children. Mr. Wealthy drove away, and the man stood there looking at his tires, this was when I saw the tire pump which  had also fallen down. He made sure the wheel was still in place…..

Before I could continue watching the green light of the traffic had appeared and the cars behind me began the orchestra of horns and I too drove off….

Why is guilt eating me? I hate this. Why do we have to live in such an unequal world. We are all people, all individuals, why is it one lives better than the other. Why can't others have the food that I have, and the shelter that I have. I can't help but think of what the man and his family are doing tonight. was it a good day for them? Was it a bad day? How many kids does he need to feed? Are they still at school? What is the future like for them?......

Good night.

The rain drops... and I.

I took this picture on my way to the library.

At nights like this I know I am not going to go to sleep for many hours tossing and turning in bed… even if the time is 3 am I will end up taking a pen and my diary out to write. So I might as well getting this out the way now so I can get a good night's sleep with a clear mind.  

Here is the story…. I was at the library today and it was raining nonstop—of course I walk to the library under the rain without an umbrella (MUM – I know you’re about to pick up the phone and tell me off, but please don't!) For me it was as though I was in heaven. I walked the entire library twice to get a good seat that a) had a computer because I hadn't taken my laptop and more importantly b) to have a nice view looking outside. I couldn't find the seat that I wanted free. I ended up sitting with an okay view. I was going through some of my research for one second and the next second I was day-dreaming, staring out the window.

I was looking at the roof top of the building next to the library. It amazed me how the rain fell on the roof, how it had created a puddle that slid down towards the pipes, how every time the heavy drops of rain fell into the puddle it would create a little ripple. I loved it. Every time I would read a few paragraphs then lift my head again to study those rain drops on the glass roof of the building opposite to the library.

Speaking to a friend later in the evening I asked "am I normal" their reply was "your mind must be so clear that you are thinking of rain drops." No. this is not the case. In fact my mind is never clear, it is always thinking, dreaming, imagining. Sometimes I wish it would stop for few minutes a day. Sometimes  I speak to my mind "you're over doing it this time" I say.

Is this how the human mind functions? What do normal girls my age think of? What do normal people think of when they are doing research? I am sure they don't analyze the rain drops on the glass roof of a building. Do they?

In my room when I have nothing better to do (I admit, as much as I hate myself for it, but sometimes I do go to the MBC.com and watch a few soaps) but most of the time I am either on TED or YouTube searching for what psychologists and scholars say about happiness, about the human mind, about thinking, about bonds (don't worry internet connection in this part of the world is so fast that the video loads before you even click on it… which makes my search a treasured experience) the point is I often question and think too deeply—just between me and me. It never bothers me… I can be alone with my thoughts for days on end without being bored. Sometimes me and my imagination are in harmony, other times we have our arguments, but somehow we manage to get along perfectly. We both know I am different and sometimes lonely in my thoughts, sometimes hard to let people understand how you think and what you believe in, sometimes you would wish you can tell someone what you're thinking and for them to say "yes me too" but that rarely happens. In this modern day and age, saying you think of the power of a smile, a rain drop or the smell of wet soil in plane terms "you're insane."  At such times my silent side takes over.

I don't look for one who thinks like me, but one who understands and appreciates these thoughts.

A peshmerga's love

on the train (picture by- SA)

I'm on the train... but no I am not writing on some fancy iWhatEver (iPad?!). I'm writing with a pen in my diary... which happens to be on paper. On this long journeyI have been reading Jean Sasson's book "Love in a Torn Land" after my Indian sister (we're a long story, but we met on mandalawi.blogpost long ago and have become pen-pals since) recommended it. 

Today, during this train journey I reached a page where Sarabast (a Peshmerga) writes to a Kurdish girl in Baghdad, in one of the love letters he writes:

"You are crushing my heart with your silence

Don’t be silent.

Don’t be cruel.

You are in every page I turn

In every word I write

All the birds here chant your name…"

In a second letter he writes…

"Dearest Joanna,

If sadness had sizes, I would wake up every day to a mountain of sadness.

If yearning had language and tunes, you would hear symphonies.

I know no geography except that towards the south. From the mountain top my vision is as clear as that of Zarqa Al-Yamara, and it pierces the distances towards Baghdad's gates to your window.

The north asks the south about you, the mountain tops ask Baghdad's buildings about you,

The pecan trees ask the palm trees about you,

But there is no answer.

I cover distances,

I go over mountains looking for one word of you,

But words are missing, and the distances are killing me.

Tell me how to reach the road to your heart,

Give me a sign, and I will be there.

I am ready to travel to you; only give me a sign,

And I will come to you. I do not want to lie to you,

But I mean it when I say I will sacrifice my life for you

Sarbast"

This is one of the many Peshmerga love stories I have read. Back home I often look through what is left of my own parent's letters (Sadly bags of notebooks and diaries were lost as they fled) the tragedy is my father's writing is too neat, beautiful  and the language is so poetic that I can't read it; mum's writing is so messy and quickly written that half the letters aren't there and therefore, I also can't read them. But the point I am trying to make here, my dearest reader, is that the Peshmerga were not only fighters in the mountains with guns, but life and its experiences made them loyal lovers and fighters of love, it made them poets and writers, it made them look into the world in a different manner and appreciate the smallest but the greatest things in life.

Today, in Kurdistan this isn't always the case. Maybe I am mistaken, maybe there is but we don't hear of it or see it. But this Peshmerga powered love that endured and risked, that fought and suffered is often no longer there. [SA just took a picture of me, seeing me write she says: "You are talking to the birds again," I smile. Maybe she is right, maybe I am talking to the birds. At least the birds might understand what I'm trying to say.]

Where are the words written on paper?... in an envelope sealed with love that was passed from hand to hand, person to person till it landed in the hands of someone who would confidently say their happiest moment in life was while opening that letter? Where is the feeling of smelling the paper, observing the ink, the handwriting, and the tear drops that have dried on the paper? I wonder where that feeling is when trying to analyze the way every word was written. Where is the poetic words that reflect feelings and thoughts? Where is the suspense of waiting for weeks or months until the next letter is receive?d

Where is the feeling of ones fingers slowly touching every word on the paper….?

Peshmerga, a freedom fighter for his country by weapons and with the mountains. And a fighter for love by the pen, with his heart. 

My dearest reader, in my father's words "aaaaaaax how the times have changed" 

(I know there are many punctuation errors here. I have tried correcting my computer skills aren't helping. You need to forgive me because this was all hand written)