11 months & 11 days

We have cha together & talk.... distance can't get between
us

My dearest.. who ever you are, where ever you are,

Dissertation is going well, as stressful as it is I am enjoying it. Tonight it is 11 months and 11 days I have left home to begin this journey! On September 20, 2011 I spread my wings.

If I know something for sure, is that I could have never ever come this far without the love, support and encouragement of some very special people in my life.

Believe it or not, every morning I wake up to little good morning messages on the BlackBerry, I wake up and there are at least two or three short emails from my mum and an inbox or two in facebook.

I wake up, and as I am having breakfast (let's be honest: lunch)  I listen to voice notes of the girls -- two of them -- singing to me! Then there is another friend who is always updating me and makes sure to get me our of any stressful mood. Throughout the day there is little emails going back and forth- sometimes pictures, memories other times conversations. When I am on Skype someone always says hi, someone is always asking about the dissertation.

Someone is always asking if I have eaten well, if I have slept well and if I am okay. What else could I want? Is there anything greater than this in the world? It is true I am the one who is receiving this degree, but it is these people in my life who deserve it more.... they are the fuel behind me. I miss them. I love them. In fact this journey, 11 months and 11 days has taught me just how lucky I am to have these individuals in my life.

Shaw Bash!
Saza - feeling too special

I dared me.

Dearest...

Only to think I was in one of those seats

I was shocked by surprise today, someone asked me why I hadn't written here in so long. Yes, someone actually noticed I haven't been writing.

Well. You are expecting to read something like another one of my nights (3:24 am now) some slow music, lots of tea and a dissertation. Well you are right, but what you don't know is that I did something exciting, daring and scary this week. I thought my body, mind and heart needed it. I went on a trip to Alton Towers with a group of friends.

The always afraid Saza who always used to take pictures when her friends were on the rides this time decided to sit down, buckle up and try everything. I needed to make up for my so many days of doing nothing but researching.

Thank God for the 45-minute long queues before each ride I had the time to read to myself as much of the Quraan I knew by heart as I possible. I looked in into the sky and asked God to look after me. I literally felt like I am walking to death. My sweet group of friends would look at me with sympathy thinking "Can she really do it?" although I must admit they fooled me into all the rides saying "it's for kids."  

When I was actually in the ride, I would pray, scream, call out for "Mummy" and yell out "I hate you all" to the friends with me.

I came back sick, dizzy, tired, my vocal chords torn, and my heart had probably moved out of place. But despite all this I loved it. In fact, every single one of those rides I would compare to our own life. It turns you upside down, inside out, fast and slow and there are many surprises along the way but in the end you are somehow safe! I felt something I hadn't felt before.

I really needed that trip... I discovered in myself a daring side that I didn't think I had. If your life is also a routine right now, if you think you're lazy and doing nothing else but being infront of the laptop then dare yourself and do something exciting! Trust me on this one!

Good night,

Saza - stressed, but smiling

The night of Eid

My dearest....

Jezhntan piroz bet! (Happy Eid) I did this today

Anonymous (and Kulka) who happen to read this and write a comment every now and then

Tonight marked the end of Ramadan and tomorrow back home the celebrations begin. I say back home because here I don't feel the Jezhn (Eid) spirit. Tomorrow, like any other day I will go to the study room and sit behind the laptop, books and papers all day (not that I mind). 

Having said this I must admit I miss home and family, I miss having guests and going and visiting family. I miss the cousins (and their kids) visiting. I miss waking up and receiving hugs and kisses from my parents (when it comes to these things I am still a child). 

But then there are the little things that make me smile. The name of some important people in my life appear on my phone, inbox messages, emails, and BlackBerry voice notes are helping- BIG TIME. 

As I sit here knowing there is a very long night ahead of me (I want to reach a certain section of my dissertation so maybe I can go out with some friends on Monday. I have promised myself if I reach that target then I will treat myself) I am thinking of how next Jezhn is going to be. Where will I be? What will I be doing? 

Wish you a great evening

Saza- smiling! I have every reason to smile! 

Here I am, where I wanted to be

My dearest...

Baaba's tasbih in my hand,  at my arrival to UK. 

Baaba, Daya, little brother, loved one, friend, colleague, cousin, neighbour..... (I would be lucky if one of you read this!)

Here I am, making a dream come true. Here I am, almost there. Here I am, no longer years but counting days. Here I am, where I wished to be.

In the past two years. With every shining star. On both my birthday cakes. On every religious pilgrimage. At the end of every prayer,

I would wish and pray that I could make this dream come true. To study alone abroad for an entire year. To get the experience, but also the knowledge. To challenge myself. To make me believe that yes I can achieve something this great. When I see all the stress I am in, the deadlines approaching and sometimes feeling my sentences are not making sense and the word count is not going up I try to remember those times where I wished and wished to live this moment.

And when I ask myself, I know that if the time went back then I would wish and pray for the same thing. Hence, sleepless nights, hair fall, weight loss, bags under the eyes, night mares, homesickness, loneliness, what ever the sacrifice might be it is all worth it. I know it is.

I won't say good night- because my night is only just starting.
But when you do sleep I wish you sweet dreams!

Saza- tired but hanging in.

I am lov'n it

My dearest....

Just a normal night doing research

It has been few days! If you were worried (two of you reading this out there) then I assure you everything is going well. I can't believe in six weeks time this journey is going to be over. With all the stress, hard work and sacrifices I must admit I am going to miss it all. 

I love the feeling of working hard for something. The feeling that you must put in an effort to reach an aim, the hard times and the pain. I enjoy it because I know it is worth it in the end, I like to feel the pain of it all because I know I will enjoy the success of it even more. I am going to miss these times. Life is a routine right now, I do complain and I do look forward to finishing it all, but I also know deep down inside I am taking pleasure in this process. I feel good about myself that I am going through this because when it is all over and I do get my degree the feeling of achievement will be SUPERB. 

I can't imagine myself doing anything else in the world right now other than being right here, in this study room of six people (including myself) from morning till evening everyday working on a dissertation that is going to be the result of all my hard work. I'm lov'n it. 

Have a great day,

Saza- dream almost coming true

Succeed then Sleep

Dear....

The reminder on my table. 

Someone somewhere,

Today was not the greatest day that it could have been. But go to sleep tonight having learned many lessons.  I spent a lot of time in the sudy room on my dissertation. It is going well, but well for me is not enough right now, however my message to you tonight is that the feeling of achieving something before you sleep is beyond what words can describe.

Since the first days of my MA degree till now I have a sign on my table that says "Don't sleep till you succeed." I love the nights when  I can put my head on the pillow and think of the one thing that I did that day that makes me proud. I like to remind myself: "today was worth living because...."

Any way, I will go to sleep looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning for a new day. At the same time it feels good that 11 hours of study had some decent results.

Good night - Always remember: Don't sleep until you succeed.

Saza- missing loved ones

Traits.

I like to think, imagine, dream but I also implement,

Dear....

I really don't know who I am writing to you, but I know I want to say something.

It is past 4 am. I am not asleep because of an incident that took place today.

From the research and readings I do in my spare time I have become familiar with different personality traits and characters. I tend to be the type of person that can get a long with many people no matter how different they maybe. In my life I have come across many people, most of whom have been incredible. In fact nearly all of them. Maybe I like to bring out the best of people when they're with me, simply because I have come to believe every person in their own way are great. Having said this, there are some traits I admire more  than others.

For example, I admire a person who can stand up and make decisions for themselves; a person who has high self esteem. I have learned it is those with low self esteem who show flaws in their personalities, it is those who are bold enough to make decisions for themselves, who know what they want in life and who have aims set so that they can achieve are examples of great people. These are the individuals that I like to surround myself with.

I simply believe we reach a stage in life where we are wise enough to stand up and make decisions for ourselves no matter how small or big. This doesn't mean we don't take the advice of others, but sometimes being the leader of your own path is an achievement of its own.

Good night

Sazan - 

The food of my soul

Thank you.

Dear…..

Reader, friend, anonymous, loved one, whoever you might be, in whatever corner of the world.

I am writing what could be the last compulsory submission in my academic life. The deadline is weeks away and I still feel very behind. The point is that it is a very stressful time.   

One of my good friends back in Hawler realized this, she told me "when you are climbing a mountain, and when you can see the top, and you are almost there- that is the hardest part, that is when you sweat more, that is when you know you are going to get there, but you also know to push your limits more than the entire journey." She is certainly right.

Things have never made me happy. Ever. But yesterday I was sent some flowers, it was least expected on a day as stressful as yesterday. But I must admit it did make me happy. I don't know if it was the thought behind it, or it was the flowers themselves. Somehow hope and optimism cheered my day up

.

Then again, flowers would make any human being in this planet happy. I could be all philospical right now and explain what a single flower means to me and what it resembles in my life. But instead I should wrap up and go back to the stacks of readings that are calling my name right now. Although,  "Bread feeds the body indeed, but flowers feed the soul." And when my soul is full my mind begins to function better and my heart can cope more!

Good night my dearest,

Saza  - a little tired.

The people in my life

Dearest reader (seems like this time I am writing to absolutely no one. I don't think there is anyone reading this)......

Morning walk after seeing my supervisor

You know what I am thinking? I am thinking how is that all those around me are such wonderful people. All those in my life have influenced me in positive ways. All those who I am close to give me this positive energy that keeps me going.

I believe every person is a great person inside, all those individuals that we think we can never get along with, we can... if only we understood them more, if only we put ourselves in their shoes, if only we gave them the chance to prove themselves.... if only we somehow managed to bring out the best in them.

Life is only great when you are surrounded by great people. Nothing else matters, nothing else is important. You can have your dream job, drive the most amazing car, live in a posh suburd and be dressed in designer clothes from top to bottom but if in your life you don't have a group of people who you can sit down and laugh with, if you don't have someone to call when you're down, if you don't have someone to watch the sunset with, if you don't have someone who will listen to you complain and another whose shoulders you can cry on, if you don't have people who will come and cook soup for you when you're unwell then all the things that you do have is not worth. What good is the house, car and job going to do?

I maybe wrong in thinking this way. This way of thought may not get me a long way in life... but I always find myself happiest and feeling richest when I am surrounded by those individuals or when I see or hear or read of a deed of those people. It is enough that every night in this little room so far from home so many people come to my mind who I miss. That alone means the world to me.

My life is worth living because of the people in it.
You too, look around you. I am sure there are a few people there who you can never imagine your life without. If you don't have those people, than my dear reader you are missing out on the most important thing in life. Search till you find.

Good night.

Saz.

Happy. Just happy.

August 5, 2012.

My dearest reader.... (though I don't know if you will even bother to read this or not)

I am on a date. Yes. Tonight I had a date.

Next to the window, past 1 am. This might sound a tiny little bit cheeeeeezy but please try to understand. Right now I can still smell the soil after the harsh rain that came down tonight. Earlier I was by the window looking outside and feeling the rain touching my hands and cheeks. Inside the atmosphere was complete by the  light of a candle, the sound of Abdelhalim, a cup of cha and some kulicha that mum made me before I left. Tonight is definitely one of those nights where I feel happy. Complete happiness. Even though my date was (and will continue to be for the next 7 weeks) my dissertation paper.

I am far from home and loved ones. But a skype conversation with the brother and then one with daya and baaba followed by the greatest person of my life, all made me feel warm inside. True, I am far, true today I did nothing more than just go on a morning walk and spend the rest of the day in the walls of a little room (the library was closed) but somehow I feel that pure happines we so often speak of. The true happiness that does not come from material goods or selfishness or other desires.

Even though there is a million things I have to think of, a thousand things that need planning, a hundred things to do and tens of things I want.... but right now. Right here. Nothing matters more than that the simplest of things have managed to bring happiness to me. Life is beautiful. It is enjoyable. If only we expect less of it.

Yes I am happy. The dream continues. The journey doesn't stop.

Good night.

Saz.