GUESS WHAT?!

Thursday 20 September 2012

At the airport on arrival, taken by NQ.

Dearest reader, especially Anonymous and Kulka!

Guess what?!

I AM IN ERBIL. Yes, right now I am writing from my room in Erbil. I didn’t tell you that I was travelling because no one knew. I planned a surprise return.

Dad, mum and my brother were in the living room watching a movie when I walked in on them. Their reaction was beyond what words could explain. I arrived just over two weeks before the day they were expecting me. I had told them I had booked my ticket for the 30^th when in reality it was booked for the 18^th.  Thanks my dear friend NQ who waited for two hours in the airport for me to arrive then drove me home. If it wasn't for her all this could have not been planned.

To return home and know that this time I don't need to fear a day where I will leave everyone again feels good. The feeling is even better knowing that I am back home with a dream accomplished. The second day after my return I visited the NGO I used to work in, and I am planning to volunteer with them and do some projects related to the UNFPA with youth in Kurdistan until I find my dream job.

Yes. I am in search of a dream job.

Not a job where I will be behind a table and a chair doing paper work, because that's not me. But a job where I will make a difference. Yes I want to change lives. I want to touch lives. I want to see the result of my work right then and there. I want to leave behind foot steps.

Good night from my nest.

Saza – feels great to be home!

--
p.s. I wrote this entry two days back but didn't get a chance to post it.

Sazi & SimSim

My dearest reader....

One of the two baby turtles we got today

Just past midnight, and what a day in London today. The relatives here took me to Oxford street... loved it. Did little sight seeing here and there with all the buses- love looking outside from the windows! Enjoyed it.

We got the two turtles, and the names are Sazi -- named after me -- and SimSim. Felt very honoured to have one of the baby turtles named after me!! They are adorable creatures, I am thinking of getting some when I am back in Hawler, not sure if these little ones need a passport if I take them back. Then again I can just fit them in my pocket.

Also today: Ate the greatest yaprakh (dolma) oh my!! It was brilliant. Great cake yesterday, made specially for me. And many little bits and pieces... the relatives here making me feel too special and sometimes the hospitality is so much I get embarrassed. But loving everything, and the family gathering in the living room with the parents and their five kids (with me six) talking, watching TV and eating... I enjoy that the most.

Loving it all. For once I am not thinking about anything. This, my dear reader is the peak of the mountain!

Good night
Saza - I'm actually sleeping 8 to 10 hours without nightmares that I haven't submitted or that I failed. 

Hello from London

Dear... dearest!!

Lifetime moment- printing final copy of dissertation

Tonight in London it was food around the kitchen table with relatives while making plans to the new family members to arrive tomorrow: baby turtles!

Earlier yesterday I managed to submit my dissertation, and this morning left Nottingham for good. That's it. The journey there came to an end. I did it. I feel great that I have accomplished a mission, that I sacrificed and fought my way and held my breath to the last step of this journey.

The taste of success if very sweet.....
Now the next dream begins, now it is time to plan for the next step and my life from this point on. Will I study more and take the PhD? Will I return home and rest for a good few months? (I can never do that!!) So many questions, but I know I am in search for the dream job, I know I want to go back to a job I love and be surrounded by the great people I have in my life.

I want to fall into the arms of friends and family! So many thoughts going through my mind, but now it is time to enjoy London without thinking of any deadlines.

Saza - mission accomplished!

Done!

Dearest reader, thanks for being part of the journey till here....

That's it. Not much left. 

I am done. Finished. Probably in a day or two I will submit, minor tidy up to do. Had a little break but didn't manage to finish it off properly, tomorrow I see my supervisor. I guess he wants to say good bye and I want to say thank you. He has been great in the sense that he believed in me and in my subject. I will most probably submit the following day. Then it's time that  I do my bit of tourism in the UK before flying back home! Yes. One way ticket back to Kurdistan... Hawler. My luggage is already packed.

I was talking with some relatives earlier today, we were discussing the fact that when you set your mind to something you can achieve it. You certainly can. But what's more is that now that something great is achieved, now that an aim has been accomplished, I am looking for the next big aim, the next big dream. Is this how life is supposed to be? You put an aim, you reach it, then it is not enough so you set the bar at something else?

Is it because it is not enough and you want more, or is it that that's our nature? We always want to work towards something. I don't know what it is. But I know as I write these words I am relieved, finally, I have a piece of research that is purely mine. It might not change the world, it might not even be published, but it is mine, I wrote it and I worked on it. It feels great. 

Bye for now

Saza - I did it. 

A little blue

Where I am & what I'm doing right now

My dearest...

It is one of those nights where I just wish I could be sitting in our family room back home. Dad would be there with the kettle and the tea, me, mum, my brother and maybe even one of the girls might be at my place. That's what I am yearning for right now.

As I am dreaming of this, I remind myself of the words of my dear friend NQ who told me when you almost reach the peak of the mountain, that last part is a little too steep and feels like it is the most difficult, as if it will never end. That's where I stand right now and she is right. It is so steep that every single step needs a bucket of sweat.

There are about 10 or 15 of us scattered in different parts of the computer room in the library--the only section open at this time--true I am stressed, and feeling a little down but I was telling LK (Oh Yes! LK is a sweet Kurdish girl who does night shifts in the library, so she's sitting in another corner and every hour or so she comes to give me a snack or recommends I listen to a song) even this suffering and pain feels good because I know it is worth it in the end. As for the dissertation it seems tobe coming together, though there are little gaps here and there that I am not too happy with... it depends on my mood. Sometimes I'm overjoyed and I love what I am writing, other times after every sentence I look at the word count.

Sweet dreams, though I am still wide awake like an owl drowning among all these papers

Saza,  needs a huge hug from daya (mum) and baaba's (dad) wise words and SK's motivation.


NOTE: If you look to the right of the picture you will see 230 grams of Cadbury chocolate- My fuel tonight!

11 months & 11 days

We have cha together & talk.... distance can't get between
us

My dearest.. who ever you are, where ever you are,

Dissertation is going well, as stressful as it is I am enjoying it. Tonight it is 11 months and 11 days I have left home to begin this journey! On September 20, 2011 I spread my wings.

If I know something for sure, is that I could have never ever come this far without the love, support and encouragement of some very special people in my life.

Believe it or not, every morning I wake up to little good morning messages on the BlackBerry, I wake up and there are at least two or three short emails from my mum and an inbox or two in facebook.

I wake up, and as I am having breakfast (let's be honest: lunch)  I listen to voice notes of the girls -- two of them -- singing to me! Then there is another friend who is always updating me and makes sure to get me our of any stressful mood. Throughout the day there is little emails going back and forth- sometimes pictures, memories other times conversations. When I am on Skype someone always says hi, someone is always asking about the dissertation.

Someone is always asking if I have eaten well, if I have slept well and if I am okay. What else could I want? Is there anything greater than this in the world? It is true I am the one who is receiving this degree, but it is these people in my life who deserve it more.... they are the fuel behind me. I miss them. I love them. In fact this journey, 11 months and 11 days has taught me just how lucky I am to have these individuals in my life.

Shaw Bash!
Saza - feeling too special

I dared me.

Dearest...

Only to think I was in one of those seats

I was shocked by surprise today, someone asked me why I hadn't written here in so long. Yes, someone actually noticed I haven't been writing.

Well. You are expecting to read something like another one of my nights (3:24 am now) some slow music, lots of tea and a dissertation. Well you are right, but what you don't know is that I did something exciting, daring and scary this week. I thought my body, mind and heart needed it. I went on a trip to Alton Towers with a group of friends.

The always afraid Saza who always used to take pictures when her friends were on the rides this time decided to sit down, buckle up and try everything. I needed to make up for my so many days of doing nothing but researching.

Thank God for the 45-minute long queues before each ride I had the time to read to myself as much of the Quraan I knew by heart as I possible. I looked in into the sky and asked God to look after me. I literally felt like I am walking to death. My sweet group of friends would look at me with sympathy thinking "Can she really do it?" although I must admit they fooled me into all the rides saying "it's for kids."  

When I was actually in the ride, I would pray, scream, call out for "Mummy" and yell out "I hate you all" to the friends with me.

I came back sick, dizzy, tired, my vocal chords torn, and my heart had probably moved out of place. But despite all this I loved it. In fact, every single one of those rides I would compare to our own life. It turns you upside down, inside out, fast and slow and there are many surprises along the way but in the end you are somehow safe! I felt something I hadn't felt before.

I really needed that trip... I discovered in myself a daring side that I didn't think I had. If your life is also a routine right now, if you think you're lazy and doing nothing else but being infront of the laptop then dare yourself and do something exciting! Trust me on this one!

Good night,

Saza - stressed, but smiling