Well, Hello?

 Hi.

Hello Hello Hello. 

I found this blog and I just came to update that around 12 years ago when I started writing this, usually in lonely dormintory nights far from all my loved ones in a different country and world... I knew I had lots of dreams. I came to tell you that the little dream I refered to on this blog about my PhD, well, it happened. I graduated over a year ago from the University of Southern Queensland, in Australia, with a PhD in Education, I focussed on building capacities of youth, mostly in humanitarian settings, post conflict. I couldn't feel prouder. 

I thought I would let you know, because if you, reading this have a dream and wake-up everyday doing a little bit, just moving half a step forward, a decade later you will look back and you will have come so far. 

Sending you so much love and remember dreams to come true (when you turn them into goals).

Sazan,

Progress report- Check!!

Can't believe I am here. On this blog. Once again.

I feel there is so much I want to express, it's difficult to let my heart splash out all at once. Anyhow, I just pressed "Send" on my first progress report. To be honest I don't see much progress, in fact, there is not much progress. The more I read the more I am lost- in a good way perhaps? I also accepted a 90 minute meeting with three professors in around two weeks time. This is where I will have to discuss and present my findings so far. Did I mention I am a mother?

I feel every time I want to make a dream come true, I have some sort of challenge alongside it. The path to success becomes tougher, then again the beauty of reaching a destination is the ride itself, no? Or that is what I tell myself to keep me calm.

I think I am mentally drained out on many levels at the moment. For one, the state of Kurdistan upsets me, what Kurdish children and parents are going through is unfair, unacceptable, and very upsetting... I hope these tough days pass by quickly, does peace exist? Or is it just a word?

Love Saz, 

Update Update

Why hello there...
It has probably been years since my last post here.
I am a mother now, to a beautiful young boy who has taken my heart, my world and my ever breath. Recently I happen to become a student once again (and this is why I came back to this blog, because I know the days and weeks ahead won't be easy) post graduate once again, and this time a four year journey. I can already feel the tough days ahead, because time is something I don't have these days, but I know I will do best, and we shall see where this journey takes us.

Now that I am back in the study mode, there will be a lot more here. I remember last time I did this, the blog was a great help- stress relief for me - this time it is even tougher because aside from my studied I have many other responsibilities.

Love you and hello again

Saz. 

Life's a whirlwind

Life takes you on a million rides, and I have recently been on a roller coster. I have forgotten how it feels to come home, put my feet up and watch TV or just read a book without thinking of cleaning the bathroom, what's for dinner or taking some life decisions. I honestly don't know how my parents did all this with two kids; or even more, how my grandmother managed with a good 12 children.

Maybe the times have changed? Maybe we have changed.

Life.
Photo: http://favim.com/image/43874/

Anyhow, in a busy, hectic life I make sure still, to find time for my loved ones in one way or another, sometimes not as much as I'd hope for, but I never let a while pass of my missing a friend or family member without seeing them. I admit, when you're busy thinking of life and doing things here and there the last thing you remember is yourself. Hence, self neglect.

I guess the circumstances of my country at the moment inflicts upon my thoughts and affects me on many levels. I keep praying for safety, for children to be able to live a decent life, for parents to stop fearing whether their kids will die by an explosion or if someone will kidnap and rape their daughters. 

In my side of the world life is busy, it's hectic, it's tiring sometimes most of the time and this is when I need to wake myself up and remind myself of that very important word my circle of friends use when life hits them in the head with a stone: Fshaya, fsha! 

How is life treating you? my dearest reader (if you are still reading)

Tomorrow I am going to the refugee camp, can't wait to see the girls there. 

Love

Saza,

A humble hello

Dearest,

Wherever you are in the world.

 I have disappeared for a while, work, lots of work and then some planning for a special occasion very soon.

You know how sometimes you feel you need to 'fix up' some things in your life? Those times where you think: "I am over working, or I am always in front of the computer, or I am not spending enough time with family and friends?" It was kind of that stage. Though not for too long. I have decided to live a healthy life. Okay, I know, that sounds so cliché, so... eeeeer, anyway (I can't find the right word) but you know what I mean.

So! I have decided to never, ever, ever work at home! So when the clock strikes 5, or when I am not on field, then that's it. Things can wait. I have also decided to go back to my sport and walks - so the 6 am walks are in and so are the evening walks! That is a promise to myself at least 5 days a week! Definitely the best decision I have ever made!

And finally, in the evenings, I only do 20 minutes of social media/ news/ online time! And since then, life is just so much better!

So all in all, if you are one of those people feeling very soon you will drain out, then take action before you actually do drain out! Change little things in your life and within a week you will feel a world of difference.

Trust me

Love
Saza,

Future Home

Dearest... (whoever you are, wherever you are)

People dream of mansion houses or apartments with a million-dollar-view where they can see the world at their feet, feeling superior to all.

If I could I would live in a home not a house. Two options are in mind, first one is in an old neighborhood, you know, one of those where children play outside, where everyone knows each other, where on your sick days the neighbors bring over some soup. From outside, my home would be like all the others, hidden away behind the main entrance, with lots of trees hiding the home in its shadows. Inside it will be its own world.

every corner will have a meaning. Every thing will have its own story. Every friend will feel its their own home as they join me for chai (tea).

The interior would be dark wood, various antique furniture. Splash of color here and there and of course lots and lots of quotes everywhere! But I would not touch the design, I want to keep that 'old' sentiment in it, I like the classical older home designs you find in some of the suburbs here.

If I had to live in a two-story house, then I definitely want it to be small, tiny in fact. I want it to have a balcony filled with plants and flowers. I want to have my breakfast everyday in that balcony. Not too high from the ground, because I don't want any grand view. I want to see the neighbor's kids going to school every morning,  I want to be able to call out for the veggie man going through the neighborhood with his car. I want to listen to calm music in the evenings and be able to say hello to the lady in the balcony opposite me at the same time. I want to be able to sit down, and be inspired from everything around me.  I want to type away my stories and my writings in that balcony...

You never know, maybe someday I will have my little home
Love Saza

A little of love

Give love

Dearest,

It's the 14th, a special day. And it just happens so that every 14th I feel I need to express a lot. I have put myself into this routine for so long now. Sometimes to one person in particular, other times in general. Anyway, I am blabbing already!

Life in my part of the world is good. I was thinking, what would happen if the whole world loved and no one hated. If we all loved, no one would hurt another, and hence, everyone would be happy. Would you agree it would be a rather boring world? hmm... maybe!

Not sure if this made any sense at all, but I know if ten years from today I came back and read this entry, I will know exactly what I meant and how I felt, and that's what's important, right?

Good night for now
Love
Saza - Just know a little love in our life, is all we need.

...

Why do we live in a world where humans hate each other,
where we view someone's success as a threat to ourselves,
why do we hate?
Why do we not accept others
people of other religions, races and even our own people who own different views...

Why do we live in a world where people have sharp teeth ready to bite?
Funny enough, 99 percent of the time they bite for no reason, or for all the wrong reasons

Why do you prevent to love and care about someone, then when they're no longer in sight you speak negatively of them
Why is it that we, human beings, hate more than we love; disrespect more than we respect and resent more than we appreciate...

Why do words speak instead of actions, when it should be the other way around?
Why does so much injustice have to happen and so often we remain silent

I have a lot of why questions in my head. A lot. I guess it will take me years to find an answer.

Sometimes, you just wish you remained an innocent child, who saw the world as if it were lala land (sadly enough, even most of our childhood wasn't lived properly, my childhood memories are only of war, escape, hiding, crying and sound of guns), it is a sad feeling when you realize what type of dirty world we live in.

Anyway, alhamdulilLah for everything that's good in our life,

had to get that off my chest


Lots of love
Saza - Good night! and sorry to be a little pessimistic. 

Congratulations T.A.

Dearest...

I am taking the beginning of 2014 easy. As we turn a new page, I have decided this year to be more easy going, and don't plan anything massive! A calmer year I hope, but knowing me my calm would still be something crazy - the fact that I am only getting sometime to write this at 12:16 AM says it all.

Anyhow, I can't let this entry pass by without congratulating a dear person in my life. T.A. was with my best friend in grade 1, primary school. I don't remember much, but one thing I do remember was T.A. was probably my first ever best friend. After grade one my family and I left, T.A. stayed behind, many years passed by, we later found in each other again in University. I know! Unbelievable! Even though we were far for so many years, I still love and respect her as one of my closest friends!

A few months ago she said "I do!" and last night, along side SK we attend her formal engagement celebration. One of the happiest moments in my life is seeing those close to my heart achieve something worth while, or to see them smile from inside out. Last night with T.A. it was one of those exceptional feelings!

Life goes on as usual in my part of the world. A lot in my plan, but taking it all a little step at a time!

ShawBash!

Saza - In deep thinking mode

Step into 2014

Dearest...

Nine days left. Only nine days left before the curtains to 2013 come to a close.

What a year.

Earlier this evening I spoke with an old friend. A casual conversation, recapping life, plans and all the events of this past year. She had had one hectic year with many... let's just say mountains to climb in difficult weather conditions (that's the best way I can put it without using too many negative words. In fact, a year that was probably like climbing the mountain at night with thunder, rain and strong wind... yup! More than just a challenge!).

Don't frown. She was strong enough to take on all the challenges, I was happy to hear things have settled and God is rewarding her for all the patients, lack of will to seek revenge and for her pure heart.

After saying goodbye, I looked back at the lives of many close people around me. Those who I have had the privilege of being part of. Many people have gone through a difficult phase-- everything from work related to personal matters to dreams being shattered. Yet somehow, everyone manages to make it through. With time, everything heals and life goes back to what we know to be normal. It all becomes memories.

Every grey cloud passes by first, then it pours down with rain, then the sunshines, and the rainbow appears (or does the rainbow appear before the sunshine part?! Any howww, you get the point), and that, my friend, is the cycle of life. But the size of clouds and the amount of rain differs for different people in different stages of their lives.

Whoever you maybe reading this, wherever you are in the world. Hang on to life tightly, take the right path and you will be rewarded. Believe, dream, achieve. Be a good person. If you ask for my humble advice, I would say:

-  Help others, be there for the people around you, but don't expect a return.

- Make others smile, but don't do it because you have to, do it from your heart. I have realized as a human being there is another need beyond food, shelter and water. It is the need to give to others. If you haven't tried this, this year give it ago, the amount of satisfaction you get can not be compared to anything in the world.

- Dream. Every person, deep down inside has a dream. Please don't tell me you don't, everyone does. Don't be afraid to go to sleep each night imagining that dream becoming a reality. Think of how it will be when it comes true. Think of the little details from how you will feel right then and there to what you will be wearing, where you will be, and who you will share it with.

- Don't gossip. This is the 'dirties thing' a human being can do. To talk behind other people badly is the most disgusting behavior anyone can have. We all do it sometimes without realizing, but make it a habit to avoid this as much as possible. Speak good of others, or don't speak about them at all. You will feel so much better!

- Have a someone. Someone can be a friend, a lover, a group of friends, a mother, a grandparent, a father, a sister, a brother, a neighbor, even a pet. We all need a someone, not sometimes, but every time. Often it takes us decades to find that someone, often that someone is right there but we never gave them enough attention to notice them or appreciate them. And once you have that someone (or some people) show them every time how much you love, appreciate their presence in your life.

- Don't compete. Don't compare yourself to others, or compete with others. Many people would disagree with me on this point, that's fine. But I just believe it's best if we competed with ourselves.

- Belief is key. I happen to be a Muslim, probably not the best practicing Muslim (I am working at it) but someone who believes, someone who prays and looks up to something above, greater than all else. At my weakest times, this has been my source of strength. Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying you, my dearest, should convert. But it always helps to believe in something, that way we don't feel lost in this life. When you believe, all of a sudden there's a purpose in your life.

I can go on, but for now keep these little things in mind as you step foot into 2014,

With love
Saza - Every person can be a better person.

24 and some days

Dearest

So, I wrote a long blog, thought it published, but thanks to the ridiculous internet line I suffer from, there was nothing of it left. It wasn't even saved! Maybe my fault, maybe the internet, but I can swear I pressed the 'Publish' button.

Anyhow, I spoke a lot about how it felt being 24, and how great the birthday surprises were! How thankful I am to have such great family, friends and loved ones in my life etc. I said a lot. Maybe you're lucky it got deleted because it was one long post.

Meanwhile do drop by at mandalawi.blogspot.com going to blog some interesting things in the days and months to come. I promise!

Good night for now
Saza - Feeling in a very new-year kind of mood

24 going on 25!

Dearest,

Wow. 24 years of my life are gone! It's that evening of every year where I sit down and look back at my achievements, failure, the laughter and tears and all the mountains I climbed and seas I sailed. Tonight is no different. Looking back, 23 with all it's moments was a part of my life that won't be forgotten.

At the age of 23 I went to the Pyramids of Cairo and saw the beautiful African sunset, I took part in two key and very successful conferences, and of course began what could have been a dream career pathway.

At 23, I became the Director of Marketing, Media and Public Relations at the University. It's about a year now I am there, though the ride was bumpy towards the end; and that, my dearest reader, is because after 23 years I realized what it is that I want to do (maybe not for the rest of my life, but at least for the next few years). Hence, with the new year, and as an opening to 24 of existence on this planet I will be trying something new and hopefully exciting (typical me!). I learned more about myself in this job then many other jobs I have done previously.

This was one of the most intense, most rewarding and most enjoyable work experiences I have had.

At 23, I met a new friend who has come into my life, coincidentally she's an artist, on various occasions I would make my way to her place and watch her paint on a large canvas, I learned from her a lot of things, not just about paintings and artists, but about life and people.

At 23, I knew very well who are my friends for life (A.S., A.R., B.R., N.Q., S.I., B.K.,) With them, and with their encouragement and support we undertook various volunteering initiatives, and together we thought of our dream project  (which needs a few million dollars of funding), we even wrote some of the ideas down for someday in the future...

At 23, I was introduced to Edward de Bono's thinking, in which I later became a trainer. I had the privilege of training students, and groups of individuals from the Erbil International Airport Security. Aside from this, with the current situation taking place, I managed to make amazing new friends at the Domiz Refugee Camp, my experiences there this year has been the highlight of my 23!

I am who I am today because of the great individuals who surround me, because of a family who I would sacrifice my life for at any moment if needed. While I remain a little girl at heart, I admit I have learned a lot and have taken every stumble and tumble as a lesson not to be repeated. I have grasped at every opportunity that has knocked at my door (some I had to run after!) and few others I had to let go of, because with 23,  I matured more and Saza found herself thinking more.

At 23, I learned one of the hardest things in life for any individual is to make the right decisions.  This can take us to another few paragraphs which I am sure you won't be interested in reading, so I won't explain why.

Finally, with all my flaws I love who I am today. I welcome 24 with open arms, a year older, and hopefully I am wiser to confront the challenges that 24 has for me. As much as I grow, the child in me will stay, and I will still be the petite girl who loves to dream of a great world!







[This entry was written on December 5, 8:38 PM but I will schedule the publication for a later date]

Hello December!

Dearest,

December 1st. Couldn't let this day pass without writing something. Anything! You would have probably guessed by now I love December. The idea of a year ending and another beginning makes me think a lot of positive thoughts. It's a chance to recap on the entire year, you look at pictures and realize how many great things have taken place during the year. Of course, you think of the 'down' moments too. 

Then there's the New Year, the new goals set, the new aims, ambitions and hopes for a new year. 

In my part of the world all is well. Few minor, but big changes taking place with me. Will update you later. Meanwhile, my dearest reader (there were two of you, I know one has disappeared, not sure about the other Loyal Reader), I hope you can recap on this year and see that you have had a good year. I hope you can look forward for 2014 full of hope, optimism and energy for the new year! 

Have a great December! I promise this won't be the last post for 2013

Saz - Season's Greetings!

Halloween

Dearest,

I think I fooled you by the tile of this post, while kids in different corners of the world (including my own Kurdistan) are doing trick or treating, I, also feel it's Halloween tonight,

I think I have been in and out of bed about three times till now. I go in, I toss and turn, can't sleep so I wake up again. Thinking of some of the issues at the orphanage. I miss the kids so much. TOO much. In particular some of the girls I got used to seeing some of them for so many years. Sadly, our visits now are restricted in many ways, I haven't been for about a month. That's all I will say on this matter. You join the dots.

Secondly, my research at the women's prison continues. Today I spent three hours listening to cases, typing my way for findings. I thought to myself: "What are you doing Saza, a research? These stories can be turned into a movie, a book..." True. But I think for a long time I prefer for the stories to live inside my mind and heart, you never know one day it might come out. I saw two of the women cry as they spoke to me, it hurt. Another had wounds all over her hands, I knew she had tried to hurt herself. I even told her.

All those I spoke to today were few years older or few years younger than myself. But they looked much older, not in size (because petite Saza always looks like a 15-year-old) but even in facial features. Their gray hairs, their wrinkles, the tired expressions on their faces.

I bought some handmade jewelry from one of the women. I will write about it in the next few days on mandalawi.blogspot.com

For the first time, today I admit life is unfair for some people, but I can only hope and pray the rest of their life, and their next life, can be a little bit more fair.

Meanwhile, I sleep in a comfy bed, while there are young women in the deepest of problems, and even worse, nothing is in their hands to solve. Having a problem is one thing, but feeling like your hands, and feet are chained and your mouth is sealed... that just gives the word 'Problem' an entirely new meaning.

Good night
Saza - 

Updates

Dearest,

It has been such a long time! Since my last post I went to the One Young World Summit in South Africa, and changed jobs (but I didn't like the new job, felt like it is killing me and taking too much of my time. Had no social life or for that matter, had no life at all. Hence, today I am celebrating my liberation from that). I have come to realize there is no job in the world that is perfect, however, I have also learned what it is that I can do and what it is that I can't stand doing. The positive side from that experience was that I learned more about myself, I tried something new (doesn't always have to be good) and realized I am surrounded by the best people in the world who washed me with love and support.

I would complain via voice notes to a friend, then I would go to work and find flowers, chocolate and kulicha on my desk from that same friend. I would complain to another friend on a Thursday afternoon (you know us girls, we sometimes love to complain and we can't keep our mouths closed) Sunday morning I find colorful cupcakes, I complain to my family and SK and I kept hearing the greatest words. As for my boss, he made me watch a TED talk and listen to a song along the lines of "But I will survive." I did bola booolllll (complaining) to A.R., A.S., and B.A. ended up having a gathering with them which made me faint on the floor with laughter. My amazing colleagues who have an office down the corridor were SUPERB sources of support and encouragement.Wow, looking back now it wasn't that bad!

Two lessons learned from the worse job experience in my life (which lasted about 3 weeks)
1. If you are miserable at your job, then you're miserable in your personal life. Because once you come back home all worn out (in my case work at home too) you can't smile to your family, you can't have a decent conversation with your other half, you can't even be in the mood to laugh.
2. Be true to yourself. At any point you don't like what you're doing, or you are not doing it well then you are wasting your time, because there is something that you're good at, so you have to find that and do it. NOW.
3. Good friends and people's support is the medicine to life!

(Yes, I realize they were three, not two, points!)

I promise I won't disappear like this again, I don't think any of you noticed anyway! Or did you?

Lots of love
Saza

My precious city...

Dearest...

 I don't know what to say or where to start from. I won't talk you through everything that happened today, but you can just go and read my tweets... then, you might understand.

Today, this precious city that I live in got wounded. Four explosions, 6 killed, 62 injured. I saw the smoke from the office window...

Sad that this has to happen. I feel like I owe those six police men my life. I feel guilty that I am alive and they're dead. Salute! Salute! Salute!

The place where the incident took place is my route to and from work every single day. Every morning and afternoon. Could have been me. Could have been any of my relatives, family and friends.

I hope this united us and makes us stronger. I know it will. It must.


Good night
Saza - I love Erbil too much, I can't see it like this.

The journey... continues

Dearest,

Love your job. 

That's it. I am leaving the fancy office, the whole "Director" title and everything else that goes with it.

Saza will be teaching. While I am a little nervous about the experience SK and some of my close friends have been very supportive. Of course, there are the individuals who think I am out of mind for leaving behind a job that not many people my age can have. Still. I have done what makes me happy. For now.

Yay!! That means I can finally wear some flat shoes, jeans and I can say bye-bye to my row of formal black blazers, who happily said "Good Morning" to me for the past ten months.

Don't get me wrong. Until about 8 weeks ago I was definitely in a dream job, starting a career and loving every step. However, I am a strong believer that things happen in our life for a reason, and we always change. It reached a point where I wanted something more than just a 9 to 5 (correction, 8:30 to 4:30) job. I can go on and explain my reasons forever, but don't worry I won't. 

Love

Saza - wish me luck! It is going to be a very interesting experience. By the way, working on the 2nd Edition of  the book My Nest in Kurdistan with some parts that have never been read before. 

Mayada

Dearest,

Mayada 

Today I spoke to Mayada on the phone. She is the Iraqi woman that Jean Sasson wrote about, in her
book "Mayada." For someone who reads a book, bonds closely with it, and then somehow, someday her wish comes true and she meets the character in real life... sometimes you get disappointed and at other times you are happy.

Previously, I was in contact with Jouana (Love in a Torn Land) and our phone conversation was long, in depth and I must admit she was everything that was built and created in my mind. Today, Mayada, when I heard her voice on the phone (this is after email exchanges) my heart sank. Why didn't I say Ms. Mayada? How about Auntie Mayada? She sounded a little older on the phone. And here I am, casually referring to her by her first name, as if we were lifetime friends.

It was one of those moments I will cherish for a long time. And you know what? She is going to send me a signed copy of her book....

Before I say goodnight

Dearest,

Just wanted to come by and say alhamdulilah* for everything in my life.

The highlight of my day? SK and I went to a few places, I won't give details. But once I got back home it really hit me the difference between wealth and poverty; the high and low class. I have always taken note, and I hope I have never ignored the fact that even my own society is unfair--and probably my own living standards--but today I saw two worlds right after the other. Yet so different from one another.

I just wish I don't become the sort of person who can live only in one world and forget the other. We don't count or realize out blessings until we see the lives of others. You know what's weird? We call people that are not well off financially 'less fortunate' but I have truly come to believe that they are not less fortunate. The real 'less fortunate' people are those who are well off and decide not to look at those under them or those behind them.


Lots of love
Saza - I miss two things: 1. Pura Gulizard at the elderly people's home and Mam Khalil and his teashop.

p.s. Today marked three months since I said "I do."


*The International word (Islamic word I guess) for thanking God, Allah.

Quick update

So...

Dearest,

I am work at the moment (on lunch break)  - earlier this week I wrote a blog entry on how few of my friend and people I know could help the individuals in the Domiz refugee camp. I am so happy with the response. I got a few emails that really made me happy. Including two people who said they are willing to sponsor an entire at the camp every month.

Here is an email I received this morning:


Dear Sazan, 

As per you blog, I would like to help if I can.  I would like to donate a few more items to whomever you would see fit that I have.  

But more importantly I would like to make a regular monthly payment of $###,## to an individual, or family to assist in supporting, and resettling them.  Either one of the cases you have already mentioned, or another that you identify as being in need. 

Please let me know hoe this can be facilitated.

You are an inspiration to us all, and it is the least I can do to help

Best wishes

***** ***

A few other people are doing little fundraisers. So happy and proud.

Meanwhile, next stop will be South Africa for a summit. Will keep you posted what happens there. I am not sure how it is going to be, but I am representing Kurdish youth, I would like to think I can fairly represent Kurds. I just wish these meetings and summits was not just empty talks but action follows, because there are thousands of meetings and discussions that take place but rarely do we see people going out there and doing something.

Much love

Saza -