Halloween

Dearest,

I think I fooled you by the tile of this post, while kids in different corners of the world (including my own Kurdistan) are doing trick or treating, I, also feel it's Halloween tonight,

I think I have been in and out of bed about three times till now. I go in, I toss and turn, can't sleep so I wake up again. Thinking of some of the issues at the orphanage. I miss the kids so much. TOO much. In particular some of the girls I got used to seeing some of them for so many years. Sadly, our visits now are restricted in many ways, I haven't been for about a month. That's all I will say on this matter. You join the dots.

Secondly, my research at the women's prison continues. Today I spent three hours listening to cases, typing my way for findings. I thought to myself: "What are you doing Saza, a research? These stories can be turned into a movie, a book..." True. But I think for a long time I prefer for the stories to live inside my mind and heart, you never know one day it might come out. I saw two of the women cry as they spoke to me, it hurt. Another had wounds all over her hands, I knew she had tried to hurt herself. I even told her.

All those I spoke to today were few years older or few years younger than myself. But they looked much older, not in size (because petite Saza always looks like a 15-year-old) but even in facial features. Their gray hairs, their wrinkles, the tired expressions on their faces.

I bought some handmade jewelry from one of the women. I will write about it in the next few days on mandalawi.blogspot.com

For the first time, today I admit life is unfair for some people, but I can only hope and pray the rest of their life, and their next life, can be a little bit more fair.

Meanwhile, I sleep in a comfy bed, while there are young women in the deepest of problems, and even worse, nothing is in their hands to solve. Having a problem is one thing, but feeling like your hands, and feet are chained and your mouth is sealed... that just gives the word 'Problem' an entirely new meaning.

Good night
Saza - 

Updates

Dearest,

It has been such a long time! Since my last post I went to the One Young World Summit in South Africa, and changed jobs (but I didn't like the new job, felt like it is killing me and taking too much of my time. Had no social life or for that matter, had no life at all. Hence, today I am celebrating my liberation from that). I have come to realize there is no job in the world that is perfect, however, I have also learned what it is that I can do and what it is that I can't stand doing. The positive side from that experience was that I learned more about myself, I tried something new (doesn't always have to be good) and realized I am surrounded by the best people in the world who washed me with love and support.

I would complain via voice notes to a friend, then I would go to work and find flowers, chocolate and kulicha on my desk from that same friend. I would complain to another friend on a Thursday afternoon (you know us girls, we sometimes love to complain and we can't keep our mouths closed) Sunday morning I find colorful cupcakes, I complain to my family and SK and I kept hearing the greatest words. As for my boss, he made me watch a TED talk and listen to a song along the lines of "But I will survive." I did bola booolllll (complaining) to A.R., A.S., and B.A. ended up having a gathering with them which made me faint on the floor with laughter. My amazing colleagues who have an office down the corridor were SUPERB sources of support and encouragement.Wow, looking back now it wasn't that bad!

Two lessons learned from the worse job experience in my life (which lasted about 3 weeks)
1. If you are miserable at your job, then you're miserable in your personal life. Because once you come back home all worn out (in my case work at home too) you can't smile to your family, you can't have a decent conversation with your other half, you can't even be in the mood to laugh.
2. Be true to yourself. At any point you don't like what you're doing, or you are not doing it well then you are wasting your time, because there is something that you're good at, so you have to find that and do it. NOW.
3. Good friends and people's support is the medicine to life!

(Yes, I realize they were three, not two, points!)

I promise I won't disappear like this again, I don't think any of you noticed anyway! Or did you?

Lots of love
Saza