To my new family...

To the most special people I have met recently, my dearest Domizian family...

And this is how we said good bye... for now!

I MISS YOU ALL. I miss Domiz, I miss your lovely faces, I miss everything including the 60 degrees desert, sandy environment.  

Only God knows how much I miss your smiles in the morning; some of you would arrive so much earlier (Ahmad, I can't forget how you said you woke up at 6 am waiting for 9 am to come..) then there were some of you who always came in a little late, and of course you were punished and had to sing us a song... some of you told jokes while others mimicked chicken noises. When you were late, some of you apologized others laughed as you had already prepared yourself for a punishment, but inside I knew why. As soon as you came in sweating, heat evaporating from your faces, I knew your tent is far... I knew your journey to the caravan wasn't an easy one. I knew you had so many other commitments out of your control.  

I miss your ideas, your heated arguments (friendly of course). I miss the way you shared your thoughts on women, role of men, culture, and a lot of life experiences. I miss forcing you out of the caravan after the sessions, you simply didn't want to leave. I miss how some of you who said you have a heart of rock (yes, you know who you are are!) ended up reading us your poetry on the last day as we said goodbye... 

I had my eyes full of tears every time you all came to the caravan with a notebook, an old notebook with its pages so thin and crumbly... a notebook that has your words. This wasn't any notebook, this was your diary, and you each had one; some of you read your poems from it. I wondered how late at night you wrote those poems, I wondered where you were sitting in Domiz when those words came out, I wondered where you hid that diary so no one else in your tent could read it... I wondered what you will do when the pages are finished, where you will buy another one and how will you start the first line of every entry...

Don't think that you fooled me. I know very well most of you were in love. I saw you read your poems about goodbyes trying to act all manly and holding back watery eyes; girls, I heard you speak of your 'friend' who was killed, and then I saw you secretly wipe tears; I heard you begin your communication stories in the circle with "Though the person is not here physically, I still feel we are together" it hurt me a lot, but at the same time I know something great is waiting for all of you, because you are all great.

For me Domiz is no longer about a Refugee Camp with thousands of people complaining. No, Domiz is about individuals with great hearts, it is about 40 young people who are explosions of happiness, faith, optimism and life........ when the opportunity comes! 

I loved the activity where you were asked to cross the line every time the answer to the statement was a Yes; when the statement read "I am an optimistic person" all of you crossed the line. But only one of you chose to speak, and the words are still recorded in my memory "If I wasn't optimistic I wouldn't be here."

I loved watching you make new friendships, I know some of you had only just met though you will be lifetime friends. I loved our little side chit-chats together, as I learned about your lives back in Syria, about your family and all that you have endured. 

I loved how you all are hanging onto life. I loved your kindness, your warm hospitality. You touched my heart when you read out your dreams to each other, dreams of the future. Some of you dream to travel the world, others dream of finishing their education and a number of you dream of living in peace in a country called Kurdistan.

I know some of you wrote your names for the training thinking we will employ you later. I know for some of you that's the only reason why you came, but I know on the last day as I sat in that black car and waved to you from the car window as I left... you were ready and dedicated to volunteer everyday with your peers for the sake of the wellbeing of Domizian people. I just know it.

I love everything, but I also hate. Yes I hate.

I hate the fact that I am sitting in a room right now, in the capital city, under the air-conditioning, under a roof on a double size bed while you, my family, are in tents... I know I would be happier now if I were to spend my late night in one of your tents, all gathered together in one of our warm conversations... where we all leave and go to sleep full of hope and optimism because of that positive energy we pass to one another. 

I never feel lost, because usually (mostly) I know what I want, it is just a matter of how to get there, but this time I am lost because there are certain confrontations that I will face if I decide to come back to Domiz for a good few months. I have people in my life who I need to consider. My dearest family, I promised I will visit you again, here I am thinking of how I could live up to that promise.

I assure you if it were up to me I would pack my bag right now and I will leave 5 am tomorrow morning so I can be there with you to start a morning training session at 9 am sharp. I wish it was this easy, and it probably is, and you never know soon I might be joining in this journey of yours. I watched some of you grow as individuals, I discovered a lot about your personalities and like buds to roses your flourished day after day. I always imagine how my life would be if I come and settle with you all for a while. How much we would learn from one another, and how I would come to look at my life and the world in a complete different way.

Thank you...

Thank you for teaching me there is more to life than what I thought,

Thank you for reminding me what the important things are in life

Thank you for inspiring me

Thank you for being a family and welcoming me to your life at such a delicate time

Thank you for being strong. 

In my heart, in my thoughts

Me in the Domiz Refugee camp

Dearest..

Not a single day passes that I don't think of the young people I worked with in the refugee camp in Domiz. I feel uncomfortable, upset, disgusted and guilty returning back to Erbil to my normal life and... and... well, I should be back there!

I did promise I would visit again- didn't I?

When I am sitting at the office, running around the campus or doing whatever it is that my daily life requires me to do, I am constantly seeing and hearing the smiles, tears and words that took place during my stay. I watched individuals change, I read their feedbacks at the end of each day my hands shaking and my eyes full of tears as they had written how we brought back hope to their life, when in fact they did. One person stood up and said "I had had enough this last ten days, I was proper depressed, I feel reborn now." This is just one of the many examples... I want to go back, I want to keep doing training with the youth there until a solution is found to their issues.

Anyway for now good night,

Saza - . . . 

Welcome Ramadan 2013

Dearest... (if anyone is actually reading this)

Me, today's morning prayers

Work place is basically empty, but I am enjoying this to clear up paperwork, get the office tidy and clean and sparkly. The plus side is instead of leaving 4:30 or 5 pm since it's Ramadan we can leave at 1:30. HOW GREAT!! I can actually plan my afternoons!!

I may not come out as the most religious girl and I definitely don't have the in-depth information about Islam or its history. Having said this I am a firm believer in Allah, in afterlife, in the pillars of Islam etc. I love the fasting (though me being already underweight always stirs up conflict between Le Family who make a clear argument that I can't fast. Already got two calls saying if I am hungry I should just eat and God will forgive me. Daaah I am hungry!! That's the purpose. And no I will not eat.)

So, back to what I was saying. I love the spiritual feeling, the prayers, the extra reading of the Quraan the sound of the Quraan at 2:30 am this morning at our place was amazing and then iftar with family.

All this aside, but the most precious thing about Ramadan to me is that in the past few years I have been  wearing a hijab during that time. The other times during the year I do not wear a hijab, you can find me in jeans and t-shirt or a medium length skirt or a dress every now and then. However, every time I am out with the veil on my head during the holy month (today included) for some reason I feel much more confident and powerful.  

This is going to sound very cheezzzzyy, but even when I gave a final look into the mirror before I left home today I must admit I loved myself more than any other day.

For now, in this holy month I pray for peace and good health of all my loved ones, I pray for a peaceful world and I pray for every vulnerable man, woman and child to be given inner strength to be stronger than their circumstances.

Lots of love
Saza - sitting behind my computer at work with a very very very messy desk and it is dead quiet. Wow. I never imagined this place without all the faces that I am used to seeing here. I miss them all. 

Words from a refugee camp...

Dearest...

For a few days now I have been away from home, doing some work with youth in a refugee camp where Kurds from Syria are now living.

As usual, there are individuals in the training that are beyond amazing, but what hurts me is that I know deep down inside they don't think they are amazing... but they try! There is a lot I want to share with you about the 40 youth I am working with at the moment, but since I am so exhausted tonight I would rather share with you my own thoughts and emotions and leave the stories for a time where I can pass them to you in the best way I can.

When I let SK know that there might be a chance that I can go and be in a refugee camp for a while his immediate reaction was "Go!" As for me, before I even came here my heart arrived. The point is, this experience, even though it is for a short time has made me reflect on my life back in Erbil. This morning, before I began my mission for the day I wrote: "After 23 years I realized what it is that I was born to do." Yes, exactly that.

I have something in me, that no matter where I am and what I am doing I can make myself love it. But deep down inside certain things make me content without me even trying!

I must confess I see no need for me to sit in a fancy office, wearing fancy clothes doing office work when hundreds of other people can and will do that job just as well as I do and even better! There is no need for me to be there when I can do be here.

If there weren't so many people involved in my life right now I would settle here for the next 6 months or 1 year. I want to live in the camp and be there for the young girls and boys here. I know now even when I leave my heart will remain behind. I don't want to go. I honestly, genuinely don't want to leave.

I have landed in a career pathway back in Erbil that individuals can dream of. But Manager of this and Director of that and boss of this person doesn't mean anything to me.

Here I am in my comfy jeans and snickers, in a shirt and no makeup (AND no one is telling me that I look tired and unwell) working directly with people. No one telling me if I have checked my email, no one requesting signatures to buy this and buy that; No one blaming me and no one asking me things.

Somethings happen in life for a reason, and right now I am here in Domiz camp for a good reason--aside from the obvious-- after returning to Erbil, my dearest reader, I think I am going to be sitting down and re-thinking the career choice that I have taken.

Saza wants to be herself. I didn't know how much I had missed these youth training sessions. I love listening to these people speak, I love it how the time finishes and they tell me they don't want to leave, I love hearing their stories and seeing them laugh and tell one another jokes! I love seeing the future in their eyes, I love the way they can be full of hope and optimism while their surrounding gives the exact opposite sentiment.

I love it how when I am a trainer with young people I can forget everything and I don't need to do a million things at the same time, I don't need a loooong To Do list every morning. No, I have one mission that day and I only do one thing.

I feel I am going to make a decision in the week(s) to come that not everyone around me will like, but I am following my heart. I can't tell these young people do things you're passionate about when I feel I am not.

For now good night!
Long day ahead tomorrow

Saza - 

.......

Dearest...

Today I was reading Khaled Hosseini's book, A Thousand Splendid Suns, I reached the point where Laila takes her daughter to the orphanage, not because she doesn't love her, but because she can no longer afford to feed her (and because of heartless what so called husband). I reached that page and immediately put the book down, got changed and went to a place in Erbil that houses many neglected children (I won't say an orphanage, because most of the kids there do have a living mother or father).

Half an hour after my visit I found myself sitting down surrounded by beautiful girls, some on the floor others on the sofa. Before I knew it, it became dark-- past their dinner time and almost my bed time-- while I wish I can share with you what took place this evening, I prefer to keep the stories to myself. Although, they were deep enough for me to walk at night alongside SK and speak non-stop.

Tonight,  I can't seem to sleep because.... I don't know because of what, but I know I take many things in my life for granted, I need to thank Allah more often and I must, under all circumstances, believe that if I can't change anything at least I know there is one thing I can give. And that is love...


Lots of Love
Saza - qurbant bm Daya gyan for everything that you have done for me. 

Need a walk under the rain

Dearest Reader wherever you are, whoever you are

One of those calm evenings where I am not watching the news and not spending time with guests downstairs. Lights off, my lamp on, notebook and pen nearby and yet to do the 'isha prayers. Lots of thoughts and ideas in my head, but tonight I decide to shut it all off and read before I fall asleep.


Lots of Love and shawbash!
Saza - As you can tell summer is not my season, I miss my rainy Nottingham days!

Men with Stars

Helloooo Ellloooo...

My dearest, sweetest reader...

Before I have a quick shower and make my way to bed (did I mention it's 8:28 pm? No I didn't. And I probably shouldn't but yup like a chicken I sleep before the clock strikes 9) I have decided to recap my day for you.

I was a little anxious last night as I was preparing an Edward De Bono training for the security staff of our International Airport. These are police and individuals with a military background: Twice my size, some almost three times my age. Even though I enjoy training A LOT, before any training there are always cells in my brain sending signals of nervousness to the rest of my body (I'm not sure if that made any sense to you, but I hope you get my point: I always thought no matter how confident you are about the content of your training, a lot is determined by your trainees). Any howwwww

We turn up in the morning (with the amazing S.B., L.G., and S.R.) and one by one the participants of our training for the rest of the week come in through the door; Men in green uniform, men in blue uniform, men with green uniform and stars on their shoulders and then men in blue uniforms, also with stars on their shoulders. Finally two women walk in. One of them also had a few stars on her shoulders. She looked amazing and very confident.

Sooooooooooo, I won't blab any further.

-- fast forward -- 

S.R. asks them to introduce themselves, one man says he was a Peshmerga for 32 years. At that point I gulp, having second thoughts about the program in my section of the training. 

I did my part of the training and observed all the other sessions too. I came to the conclusion that everyone has a child within them. Everyone, no matter how serious their job requires them to be or at whatever ranking they're in they are ready to learn. I realized those who are often tough and rough with us may have a softer side than you and I. It is all about the atmosphere that we create for ourselves, it is all about the feelings that we are surrounded by, because that determines how we act with people. 

A rewarding experience indeed.

More to come tomorrow

Love Saza - Shaw Shad!* 

*Good night.